Its Scarilly Tue

[dave5282]

Hiya guys, thought this may sound all to familliar, but its funny as well, enjoy:-

Haynes Manual

Here is a secret translation of the contents of a Haynes Manual

Rotate anticlockwise.

Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

This is a snug fit.

Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

This is a tight fit.

Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

As described in Chapter 7...

That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Pry...

Hammer a screwdriver into...

Undo...

Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Retain tiny spring...

PINGGGG - ?Where the hell did that go??

Press and rotate to remove bulb...

OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Lightly...

Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your orehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Weekly checks...

If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Routine maintenance...

If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.

One spanner rating.

An infant could do this... so how did you manage to f*** it up?

Two spanner rating.

Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Three spanner rating.

Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Four spanner rating.

You're not seriously considering this are you?

Five spanner rating.

OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Compress...

Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Inspect...

Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice ?Yes, just as I thought; it's going to need a new one?

Carefully...

You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Retaining nut...

Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Get an assistant...

Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.

However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Prise away plastic locating pegs...

Snap off...

Using a suitable drift...

Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Everyday toolkit

RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Apply moderate heat...

Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Index

List of all things in the book, not including the bit you need

They missed my favourite questions out though <_< , why when I put it back together do I have a pile of bits left, and why does the underside of our fridge always steel the important screws and bolts, only to diposite them in the vacuum a few days later :!Removed!:

[dawesy]

true so true

[GIDDLEPIN]

Why are their hands never covered in oil grease & cr*p????

[dave5282]

Same reason there was never any oil on the bits.

Hence the reason they are always taking it to bits, they always forget to put the oil and grease in!

[GIDDLEPIN]

:D

[Yarisboy]

Retaining nut...

Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Get an assistant...

Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

LOL that's the funniest thing i've read today!

[Jamesb4uk]

lmao - scary how many of those ive encountered

nice find dave.

J

[dub_boy]

Praise to the good old haynes manual, got me out the s**t many a time! :D

[GIDDLEPIN]

If you want to find the problem points on any car, get a second hand haynes and look for the oily pages.

[dave5282]

If you want to find the problem points on any car, get a second hand haynes and look for the oily pages.

But on the one for my old Nissan all the pages were.........ah

Good point :D

[jaxx]

i agree with dawsey SO TRUE

been there with all of them!

ive always liked the phrase

a slight adjustment with a precision instrument

roughly translated to

belt it with a lump hammer

sweet