Men V Woman

[SJandMR2]

thought there was enough woman here to get away with this....

apologies if some been done before

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself – he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me

back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant

and a bit cold.

Cried myself to sleep -I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

MANS DIARY:

Saturday

Scotland lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in NewYork City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the

entrance:-

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights.

You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor,

but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 -

You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives who love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Guts and Balls - The Medical Distinction:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really

know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,

the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you

still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling

of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on

the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next.'

Because I am a man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will continue to

fiddle with a coat hanger until long after hypothermia has set in.

Calling the RAC is not an option. I will win.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at

the supermarket, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic

items like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same

thing.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will open

the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know exactly what I'm looking

at. If another man shows up, one of us will eventually say to the other, "I

used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers

and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup

and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will

insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice

as much once the repairman gets here and has to put it back together.

___________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole programme looking

for it.

____________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there's no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.

The honest answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have

to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.

Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. And if you're

feeling amorous afterwards....then I'll certainly at least remember the name

and recommend it to others.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.

I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.

Either pair of shoes is fine.

With the belt or without it, looks fine.

Your hair is fine.

You look fine.

Can we just go now?

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share

equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the

cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... .like

wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

______________________________________________

because I am a man, I see flat-pack furniture as a challenge to have

the greatest possible number of left over and unused components at the end.

If the assembled furniture doesn't collapse within the hour, this is merely seen as a bonus.

Because I am a man, I don't have to ask for directions. Unknown to

women, the ***** contains a magnetic homing device enabling men to know

exactly where they are on the Earth's surface at all times. If we do get lost,

it's because our wives have used too much girly fabric conditioner on

our underwear, thereby blocking out the magnetic rays.

ignore attacthment doesnt work..sorry cant seem to take it off

perfect_joke__1_.htm

[Boro Sera]

Haha !!!

( the attachment worked for me.......must be my perfect computer skills ! )

[DellaRed]

haha excellent stuff ... love it

[Jinxed]

thought there was enough woman here to get away with this....

LOL the jokes

but you can get away with this here because the men here are different, more refined, educated specimens :D

and we know you wrong :D j/k ;)

[Pompey Gaz]

the first one i heard away but from a welshman about the rugby

[dave.m]

All the above is true but you missed one important bit, getting out of the shower.

Women getting out of the shower look in the mirror and worry maybe their Butt is getting bigger or whatever.

Men getting out of the shower look in the mirror while grabbing their bits in one hand, shaking them around

while shouting woo hoo

[Raistlin]

All the above is true but you missed one important bit, getting out of the shower.

Women getting out of the shower look in the mirror and worry maybe their Butt is getting bigger or whatever.

Men getting out of the shower look in the mirror while grabbing their bits in one hand, shaking them around

while shouting woo hoo

And you know this, How

[SJandMR2]

thought there was enough woman here to get away with this....

but you can get away with this here because the men here are different, more refined, educated specimens :D

PMSL now THAT is funny....lol just kidding, of course you are! ;)

as for what dave.m does when he gets out of the shower..... :lol2:

Sarahx

[Calisto]

lmao....funny how its all true ???