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Raistlin

Raistlin's Joke Page

17,527 posts in this topic

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex

Nope, no more booze for me

Sorry, but you're not really my type

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

:cheers::drunk:

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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. but let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.

The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Errr," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.

"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.

"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.

"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.

"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

:donatello:

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There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his manhood grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."

:P

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A man was driving along a road when he noticed a chicken running along side his car.

He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.

He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.

Then man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm.

He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.

He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."

The man asked him how they tasted.

The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

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How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.

:nerd:

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It's Christmas Eve & Santa is up the pub with his chums. The clock strikes 9 and Santa makes to move, adding that he's off to work.

"No, Santa, stop & have another"

"No, I've got to go to work".

One of Santa's mates chimes in..

"Santa, you know I work as a mad scientist? Pop up the castle with me, I'll clone you off, we'll send the clone out on the rounds, and you can come back the the pub"

"OK".

So, they nip across to chummy's place, which is a castle on the top of the cliffs. (For added atmosphere, the clouds are rolling over and the lightning is forking down.)

Into the labs, and matey takes a syringe of Santa's blood and pops it in the machine.

After a few minutes, the machine stops shaking, the smoke clears, the door opens, and out pops the exact likeness of Santa.

But lo! Something is not right! instead of being sweet, and kind, and loving, the clone Santa is farting, belching, swearing and then begins to do rude gestures.

"O' Dear ", says Santa "I can't send him, he'll lose me my job".

So Santa leads the copy out onto one of the parapets, pushes him off, where he falls to his death on the rocks below.

Santa then sets off to do his rounds.

********

Next morning Santa is back at the Grotto enjoying a hot cocoa before bed, when there is a knock at the door.

He answers it, to find a policeman standing there.

"Good morning sir, would you be Mr Santa Claus ?"

"Yes, yes I am. whats this all about?"

"Well, I'm going to have to arrest you sir"

"What on earth for, officer?"

"I've received an anonymous tip off that last night you made an obscene clone-fall..."

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Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

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A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, "£500 if we fail to fill your order."

When his waitress arrives, he orders an elephants tail on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen.

Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices.

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer's table.

He slaps down £500 in £50 notes in front of the man.

"You got me this time" he says, "but I want you to know this -- that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."

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Its the first thread to have a 'viewed times' counter that goes backwards!

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Its the first thread to have a 'viewed times' counter that goes backwards!

lol3.gif

Well, it keeps him happy and away from spamming the main board :thumbsup:

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Well, it keeps him happy and away from spamming the main board :thumbsup:

And then you moaning about it.... :lol::lol:

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Now everyone is happy again!

:lol:

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Now everyone is happy again!

:lol:

You just couldn't let it go could you

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Well, it’s saved 11 separate threads within a 3 hour window. That’s got to be good news :thumbsup:

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Well, it’s saved 11 separate threads within a 3 hour window. That’s got to be good news :thumbsup:

It's a joke thread all for Raistlin...why not let the jokes continue.... :thumbsup:

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well some of them are funny, and ive noticed that the viewed counter seems to be working fine now

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"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.

She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.

I don't see what problem is?"

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

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Lovely....Needed the daily fix of your jokes Raistlin... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Lovely....Needed the daily fix of your jokes Raistlin... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I'll second that, in fact you could say They're Very ORiginal (cue for an acrynom) :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

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Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G

are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what

the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...

{B} - Barely there.

{C} - Can't Complain!

{D} - Damn!

{DD} - Double damn!

{E} - Enormous!

{G} - GEEEEzus

{F} - Fake.

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