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Raistlin's Joke Page


Raistlin
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Can you believe it?

This guy wins £181m lottery on Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just two days later. Talk about luck!

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My mum always used to say '40 is the new 30'.

Lovely woman.

Banned from driving.

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I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day.

He started asking me all these questions

Like where had I got it from

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I've just been reading about Amazon using drones for their deliveries.

Apparently they have to adapt it depending on the climate of the city it's working in.

For example, in Cambridge it'll be able to handle wet weather.

In Edinburgh it'll be the cold.

In Liverpool it'll be on fire.

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It's winter again.

That time of year when the poor are making tough choices between food, heating, or getting that massive new tattoo.

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I'm taking a leaf out of Will Smith's book, after he refused to attend the Oscars because he wasn't invited, by blanking Megan Fox because she hasn't asked me to marry her even though she doesn't know me and we've never even met

That'll teach the bitch!

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I've been doing dry Jan for 21 days now, and it's going well.

Next month I'll be doing wet Sue.

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We threw a Star Wars themed party to celebrate the release of the new movie and my girlfriend thought she'd bake up a batch of "Wookie Cookies".

They were nice.

...A little bit on the Chewie side, but nice.

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So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister.

Or has it?

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I'm not saying my wife is ugly, but the milkman flirts with me.

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Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to go to bed with them.

They said it would be like winning the lottery.

and to my horror, they were right, we had six matching balls

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"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes, please."

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My boss isn't going to be happy, my alarm clock didn't go off this morning.

And all the people on the plane survived.

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Today I spent most of my day off trying to repair the leaking tap in my kitchen.

Now my neighbours think I have Tourette's Syndrome.

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If I had a pound for everytime I've had sex, I'd probably be a millionaire.

Because then I'd have enough to buy a lottery ticket.

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I've raised quite a lot of money through crowdfunding.

I'm a pickpocket

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I call the wife "Happy Meal".

She's not enough to satisfy me ...

but she comes with a toy.

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My wife gave birth to a daughter this morning so I text my sister to let her know.

"You're an Aunt!" I wrote.

"OMG!" She replied. "Weight? Sex?"

"7lb 3oz. Friday - bring wine."

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I'm about to tell you the first rule of 'Suspense Club'.

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I saw some idiot at the gym put a bottle of water in the hole on the machine where the Pringles go.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

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Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

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