Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My wife wants an answer as to why I'm so good at foreplay,

It's on the tip of my tongue...

[Raistlin]

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice...

[Raistlin]

Why would the British Royal Mint produce American coins ?

It doesn't make Cents...

[Raistlin]

As a child, I was always on the receiving end of harsh beatings from my mother's sister,

She was my Agony Aunt...

[Raistlin]

Why is Alice in Wonderland ?

She should be in the fricken kitchen...

[Raistlin]

Bulimia:

Proving you can have your cake and eat it...

[Raistlin]

If space is a vacuum,

Shouldn't all Astronauts be women ?...

[Raistlin]

asked my neighbour what he did for a living and he told me he was an artist,

I couldn't believe it so I asked him to prove it,

He took major offence at my comments and stabbed me with his pencil,

I now know he is an artist because he drew blood...

[Raistlin]

Whenever I see a girl I find attractive,

I'm always too afraid to go over and talk to her,

In case I make a Freudian Slutt...

 

[Raistlin]

Just bought 8 legs of Venison for £50.00,

That's too dear isn't it ?...

[Raistlin]

BBC News - "World's smallest man dies age 22",

One foot in the grave...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend told me I suffer from a lack of imagination,

I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination",

That showed her...

[Raistlin]

If at first you don't succeed,

Try doing it the way your Husband told you...

[Raistlin]

I bought a packet of crisps with a new flavour using Rohypnol seasoning.

They are made by 'Stalkers'...

[Raistlin]

Being vague is almost as fun as doing that other thing...

[Raistlin]

I was doing a crossword puzzle:

"The interval of time between birth and death...6 letters".

I was about to write my answer in, but thought life is too short...

[Raistlin]

I've just bought a new flat,

That's the last time I go to Kwick Fit...

[Raistlin]

I couldn't find my favourite chocolate bar,

So I hired a Bounty hunter...

[Raistlin]

bumped into Cheryl Cole in a pub, and I thought I'd take a chance and ask her if she fancied a shag,

Her reply was very strange, a suggestion that I should visit the county of Norfolk,

Well what she actually said was "Norfolk enchants"...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend is a RAF pilot, and she has learned that, in certain situations, quick thinking, speed and reflexes can save your life,

Like when I tell her to make me a sandwich...

[Raistlin]

just applied for a job as a babysitter,

When they asked me if I had ever watched kids before,

Evidently, "from my car" wasn't the answer they were looking for...

[Raistlin]

Feeling emotional, anxious or depressed,

Loss of balance, coordination and dizziness,

Muscle weakness, stiffness and spasms,

Bladder and bowel problems,

These aren't ordinary symptoms

These are MS symptoms...

[Raistlin]

There really is nothing that compares to the sinking feeling you get when, after watching !Removed! for half an hour,

You realise you forgot to turn off the Speakers when you plugged your headphones

[Raistlin]

A Man goes into a bar and finds it empty except for the barman. He orders a pint anyway and the barman goes into the back room leaving the man alone with his pint.

Suddenly he hears a voice saying "Nice Shoes!" Puzzled he looks around but nobody is there so he thinks nothing of it.

5 minutes later he hears the voice again saying "Nice Jacket!" Again he looks around and sees nobody so although getting irritated, ignores it this time.

Suddenly he hears the same voice saying "Nice Hair!" This time he gets angry and calls the barman out and demands to know whats going on.

The barman looks unsurprised when hearing of his story and says "Oh Don't worry about that. Thats just the peanuts."

"The Peanuts!?" The man asks in disarray

"yeah....There Complimentary!"

[Raistlin]

 I have Dementia,

But I also have a life,

And I also have Dementia...