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Raistlin's Joke Page


Raistlin
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Women in space, I didn't even know that the space station had a sink...

Still at least they have a great vacuum...

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The 'sport' of extreme ironing means you have to go to really remote, dangerous places and iron a shirt.

Imagine if you'd taken a plane from England to Antarctica & then trek hundreds of miles to the South Pole & set up your ironing board.

Then you think, "Where do I plug the iron in ?"

That's not extreme ironing, it's extreme irony.

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  • 4 months later...
When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
 
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
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You think that shops load up to early for Christmas!
 
well my Supermarket has already got Birthday cake in and that's not for another 7 months...
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"Beer up again? Why should I come here and pay £3.60 for a pint when I can get 4 cans for a fiver at the shop to drink at home? " I said to the landlord.
 
"Because your wife's there. " He replied.
 
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My wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted...
 
Oh well, better get back to it I suppose.
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This God botherer stopped me in the street,
"You are aware the end of the world is just around the corner, don't you?" he said.
He had a point, I only live a mile from Slough.
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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
 
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
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I'd just like to thank my English teacher for defining the word 'Many' for me.
 
It means a lot.
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I got caught masturbating recently, to a National Geographic magazine.
 
I don’t know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist.
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Kanye West 'hospitalised in Los Angeles'.
 
Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.
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I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards'


I thought, That's just spam
 

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Apparently, if a bear attacks you, you should play dead.
 
Sounds suspiciously like something a bear would say...
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I ran into a bear in the woods the other day, and I accidentally played dad instead of dead.
 
Now it can ride a bike without stabilizers!
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Our Budgie broke his leg so I used a matchstick to make him a splint.


You should have seen his face light up when he started walking again.:blowup:

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I got sacked from PC World yesterday.

A Woman came in the store and asked me what was the best thing to finding your ancestors and I said a shovel.....

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Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos , I get excited .
 
Because, I know, she's legal and willing to do stuff, she might regret.
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Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement, in the end you ignore it all, wait for the end and click "I agree"

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There has only been one girl ever who asked me for sex, that was nearly forty years ago and I have been with her ever since.

Waiting for her to ask again.
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Some people say putting helium in animals is wrong, I say whatever floats your goat.

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When you first meet her, she says she's "bi", then later you realise she meant " polar"..

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My boss just accused me of plagiarism.
 
Her words, not mine.
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My mate wished me a Merry Christmas today.

A bit early but he does suffer from premature congratulation.

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I was about to buy a Blue Peter advent calendar.
Then I remembered I had made one earlier.
 

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The new £5 note is not suitable for vegans.
They are not strong enough to fold it.
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