Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A woman selling apples in Kensington is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a £1.00, but never picks up an Apple.

This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.

'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a £1.00 but never take an Apple,' the man says.

The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.

[dave.m]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I met TVOR ?"

speaking of which, we all know what rhymes with brick

[Raistlin]

A man is like a snow fall ?

You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

[Raistlin]

An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar.

The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape.

What happened to your leg?" "I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off."

"Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?"

"We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the attackers chopped it off with a saber."

"Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?"

"Seagull droppings," says the Captain. "Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out."

"They can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."

[Raistlin]

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!

[Raistlin]

Why was the blonde looking in the refrigerator for over 2 hours?

Because the orange juice carton said concentrate

[Raistlin]

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.

A neighbour suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked

great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.

It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was

stuck again.

The neighbour suggested she notch the ear off one horse.

That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.

Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbour suggested she measure the horses for height.

When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

[Raistlin]

Now I understand what marketing is:

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and

tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty

girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over

there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone

number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in

bed". That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you

approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how

good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your

tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it

falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and

tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed".

That is BRANDING!!

[Red Yaris 54]

Now I understand what marketing is:

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and

tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty

girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over

there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone

number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in

bed". That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you

approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how

good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your

tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it

falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and

tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed".

That is BRANDING!!

As a Moderator I must remind you that you are not allowed to do ADVERTISING or MARKETING on TOC forums unless you are a fully paid up member ;)

[Raistlin]

Now I understand what marketing is:

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and

tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty

girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over

there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone

number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in

bed". That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you

approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how

good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your

tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it

falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and

tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed".

That is BRANDING!!

As a Moderator I must remind you that you are not allowed to do ADVERTISING or MARKETING on TOC forums unless you are a fully paid up member ;)

But I just paid.......

[Red Yaris 54]

Now I understand what marketing is:

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and

tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty

girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over

there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone

number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in

bed". That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you

approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how

good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your

tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it

falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and

tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed".

That is BRANDING!!

As a Moderator I must remind you that you are not allowed to do ADVERTISING or MARKETING on TOC forums unless you are a fully paid up member ;)

But I just paid.......

Just a Joke ;) ;) :P (Obviously your payment has not yet cleared)

[dave.m]

Why was the blonde looking in the refrigerator for over 2 hours?

Because the orange juice carton said concentrate

Love the short ones

[Raistlin]

Now I understand what marketing is:

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and

tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty

girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over

there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone

number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in

bed". That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you

approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how

good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your

tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it

falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and

tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed".

That is BRANDING!!

As a Moderator I must remind you that you are not allowed to do ADVERTISING or MARKETING on TOC forums unless you are a fully paid up member ;)

But I just paid.......

Just a Joke ;) ;) :P (Obviously your payment has not yet cleared)

Its a Python quote

[Red Yaris 54]

Now I understand what marketing is:

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and

tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty

girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over

there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone

number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in

bed". That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you

approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how

good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your

tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it

falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and

tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed".

That is BRANDING!!

As a Moderator I must remind you that you are not allowed to do ADVERTISING or MARKETING on TOC forums unless you are a fully paid up member ;)

But I just paid.......

Just a Joke ;) ;) :P (Obviously your payment has not yet cleared)

Its a Python quote

Like I said.........Just a joke

;)

[Raistlin]

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

[Raistlin]

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[Raistlin]

The doctor said to the housewife, "I've got good news and I've got bad news.

The good news is you don't have PMS.

The bad news is - you're a b!tch!"

[Raistlin]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"

"We'll See," says the bartender.

So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but i'll need to see more."

"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."

A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "That's absolutely incredible! I'll give you £100.00 right now for the frog."

"Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.

"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."

"Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

[Raistlin]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding.

She's dead."

[Raistlin]

What's the worst thing about washing your cat?

Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.

[Raistlin]

Why didn't NASA send a woman to the moon ?

Because it doesn't need to be cleaned yet

[Raistlin]

This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep.....

"Mate", the aussie said, "Over there we shear them".

The kiwi replied, "Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone"

[Raistlin]

What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

[Raistlin]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."

"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.

"Gold of course," says the proud man.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[Raistlin]

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."