Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I've just had an accident in my brand new car.

It's my own fault, I pulled out without checking first.

There's jiz all over seats now.

[Raistlin]

I personally think it's preposterous that women say "All that men want is s*x"

Completely false.

I want my ironing, cooking and cleaning done as well...

[Raistlin]

My poor son tripped at school today and ended up in hospital.

Social Services are demanding to know why I sold him the acid.

[Raistlin]

My wifes just asked me which features on her face make her look attractive .

My genitalia is apparently the wrong answer.

[Raistlin]

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom ?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

[Raistlin]

My wife has just given birth to twin daughters.

She asked me "What do you think of when you look at them both together ?"

Apparently "Threesome" was not the answer she had hoped for...

[Raistlin]

Police have just come and confiscated my breakfast....

Apparently the Eggs were Poached.

[Raistlin]

Oh the Irony....

My predictive text doesn't know how to spell Nostradamus.

[Raistlin]

My wife tripped over yesterday and broke her jaw.

Being the loving husband I dropped everythimg at work and travelled 50 miles to the A& deparment to meet her, yet I still have to sleep on the sofa tonight.

Apparently "So I guess a !Removed!'s out of the question tonight" was not an appropriate greeting in the casualty dept...

[Raistlin]

I read there the other day that drinking is bad for you.

So I've decided to give up reading.

[Raistlin]

L'Oreal say you're worth it and deserve to look and feel your best.

So why do they make ginger hair dye ?

[Raistlin]

I liked nostalgia better in the old days...

[Raistlin]

I was in Primark for 8 solid hours today.

I don't work there, I have O.C.D and that place is a right fricking mess...

[Raistlin]

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.

It's called the iRon...

[Raistlin]

Apple are currently working to bring pirates up to date on technology,

They have announced that their next project will be the iPatch...

[Raistlin]

Whipped; (noun),

A man making himself a sandwich...

[Raistlin]

I broke down today when the missus was killed in a hit and run,

I think the impact knocked my coolant hose off...

[Raistlin]

really do not mind my wife having two other men in her life,

Mike Rowave and Ken Wood...

[Raistlin]

Just got hard after reading that Katy Perry is to star in a blue movie,

Upon reading more I discovered it's a movie version of the Smurfs,

Imagine my surprise when I got even harder...

[Raistlin]

A new nightclub has just opened down the road and they are offering free drinks all night for just under 20 quid,

So tonight I'm gonna party like it's £19.99...

[Raistlin]

I really got into this book about the effects of viagra,

I just couldn't put it down...

[Raistlin]

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."

[Raistlin]

I was supposed to procrastinate today,

But I decided to postpone that till tomorrow...

[Raistlin]

My body is a temple,

It's old, falling apart, essentially useless, and a burden to society...

[Raistlin]

My wife was trying to tell me how to use my iPhone to which I replied "just because it's the same colour of the fridge doesn't mean you know how to work it."

I'm now divorced.