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#1 Raistlin

Raistlin

    Raistlin

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Posted 25 October 2007 - 12:27 PM


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:


Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight


:cheers: :drunk:

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#2 Raistlin

Raistlin

    Raistlin

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Posted 25 October 2007 - 01:20 PM

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. but let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.

The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Errr," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

#3 Raistlin

Raistlin

    Raistlin

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Posted 25 October 2007 - 01:51 PM

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.


They charged one and let the other one off.

#4 Raistlin

Raistlin

    Raistlin

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Posted 25 October 2007 - 01:57 PM

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.

"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.

"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.

"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.

"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."


:donatello:

#5 Raistlin

Raistlin

    Raistlin

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Posted 25 October 2007 - 02:05 PM

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his manhood grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."


:P

#6 Raistlin

Raistlin

    Raistlin

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Posted 25 October 2007 - 02:34 PM

A man was driving along a road when he noticed a chicken running along side his car.

He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.

He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.

Then man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm.

He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.

He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."

The man asked him how they tasted.

The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

#7 Raistlin

Raistlin

    Raistlin

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Posted 25 October 2007 - 02:51 PM

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.

:nerd:

#8 Raistlin

Raistlin

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Posted 25 October 2007 - 02:57 PM

It's Christmas Eve & Santa is up the pub with his chums. The clock strikes 9 and Santa makes to move, adding that he's off to work.

"No, Santa, stop & have another"

"No, I've got to go to work".

One of Santa's mates chimes in..

"Santa, you know I work as a mad scientist? Pop up the castle with me, I'll clone you off, we'll send the clone out on the rounds, and you can come back the the pub"

"OK".

So, they nip across to chummy's place, which is a castle on the top of the cliffs. (For added atmosphere, the clouds are rolling over and the lightning is forking down.)

Into the labs, and matey takes a syringe of Santa's blood and pops it in the machine.

After a few minutes, the machine stops shaking, the smoke clears, the door opens, and out pops the exact likeness of Santa.

But lo! Something is not right! instead of being sweet, and kind, and loving, the clone Santa is farting, belching, swearing and then begins to do rude gestures.

"O' Dear ", says Santa "I can't send him, he'll lose me my job".

So Santa leads the copy out onto one of the parapets, pushes him off, where he falls to his death on the rocks below.

Santa then sets off to do his rounds.

********

Next morning Santa is back at the Grotto enjoying a hot cocoa before bed, when there is a knock at the door.

He answers it, to find a policeman standing there.

"Good morning sir, would you be Mr Santa Claus ?"

"Yes, yes I am. whats this all about?"

"Well, I'm going to have to arrest you sir"

"What on earth for, officer?"


"I've received an anonymous tip off that last night you made an obscene clone-fall..."

#9 Raistlin

Raistlin

    Raistlin

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Posted 25 October 2007 - 03:09 PM

Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

#10 Raistlin

Raistlin

    Raistlin

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Posted 25 October 2007 - 03:17 PM

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, "500 if we fail to fill your order."

When his waitress arrives, he orders an elephants tail on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen.

Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices.

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer's table.

He slaps down 500 in 50 notes in front of the man.

"You got me this time" he says, "but I want you to know this -- that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."

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