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Monday Humour...


TheNissanMan
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A few to keep you going but had to start with this, there is a Power Gen in Italy as Im sure a number of other countries as well, but how unfortunate is their domain name....

http://www.powergenitalia.com, test it it's genuine :lol:

Before going onto the funnies I'ld like to point out that swearing is not acceptable on this forum, there has only ever been 10 instances where the 'F Word' has been acceptabler, these are as follows....

10."Scattered f___ing showers....My *****!"

- Noah, 4314 BC

9. "How the f___ did you work that out?"

- Pythagoras, 126 BC

8. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?"

- Michelangelo, 1566

7. "Look at all those f___ing Indians!"

- Custer, 1876

6 "It does so f___ing look like her!"

- Picasso, 1926

5. "Where's all that f____ing water coming from?

- Captain of the Titanic 1912

4. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that."

- Einstein, 1938

3 "What the f___ was that?"

- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2. "Ah come on Monica, who the f___'s going to find out?"

- Bill Clinton,1999

1. "*****, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad."

- Sadaam Hussein 2003

And now onto something slightly humorous :D :D :D

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and is in agony.

The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, ......................................

"Not much, but at least it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

Still not laughing....

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom. Each time it was occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament.

"Sir," she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure. He couldn't wait to push the ATR button knowing it would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes in a hospital. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

"What happened?" he exclaimed.

"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.

"The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your ***** is under your pillow."

God your a hard bunch today.....

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job.". The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year.

The scouser said "Nah, you're bullsh*tting me!".

The man behind the counter said "Well you fu*kin' started it!"

I give up, they weren't that bad[/] :lol::lol::lol::lol:

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Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like s*x?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no ntention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

****************************************************************

A professor stood before his Philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls. He then asked the tudents again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it nto the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full.

The students agreed with a unanimous --yes!

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents in to the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," the professor said, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things -- your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions --things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff! "

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend

all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are

critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18 holes.

There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the waste disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers!!!"

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