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Morning Humour...


TheNissanMan
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A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman:

"Got any bread?"

to which the barman replies "no"

Again the duck asks "Got any bread?"

"no"

"Got any bread?"

"no"

"Got any bread?"

"no"

"Got any bread?"

"no"

"Got any bread?"

"NO"

"Got any bread?"

"NO and if you ask one more time I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar!"

So the duck asks "Got any nails?"

The barman replies "no"

So the duck asks "Got any bread?"

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A man walks into a bar, carrying his pet duck. He sets the duck on the bar, and proceeds to order his drink. "I'm sorry", says the bartender, "but I can't allow ducks in here!" "But sir", the owner explains," this is no ordinary duck. This is a dancing duck!"

The bartender looks at him with disbelief and says, "Okay, I'll bite. If you can show that this duck can dance, I'll let him stay". The owner says, "Fair enough. But he'll need something to dance on - a small stage of some kind." The owner looks around and spots a bucket, tips it upside down, and puts the duck on the 'stage'. Nothing happens. The bartender says, "Some dancing duck..." and at that moment the duck begins to dance.

He dances forward, then backwards, then in circles,... He's great! The bartender is amazed and says to the owner, "I'll give you $20,000 for the duck!" realizing that people will come for miles to see a dancing duck. "I couldn't possibly sell my pet for $20,000" "I'll give you $25,000 for him!" The owner thinks about it and says, "Okay, you've got a deal!"

A few days later, the former owner gets a call late at night from the bartender. "Sorry to bother you", says the bartender, "but I'm worried about the duck". "What's wrong? Is he not dancing for you?" "Oh no", answered the bartender, "it's not that. But he just keeps on dancing. He's been dancing for two days straight. He doesn't stop. What should I do?"

The former owner says, "First, I'd lift the bucket and blow out the candle..."

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They get worse.... much worse....

A duck walks into a bar, and has a dring, watching the dart game. Suddenly, the bartender yells, "duck!". However, despite this warning, the duck is struck by a mis-fired dart. The bartenders, while patching the duck's wounds, asky why he didn't move when he was warned. The duck answers, "I perfer mallard"

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So this duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he is sipping his beer, another duck at the end of thee bar looks down at him and says, "I just had your mom! She is the best lay in town!" Not wanting confrontation, the first duck looks down and continues drinking his beer. A few minutes later, the other duck shouts "Woooheee! I made her quack like a duck!" Again, the first duck looks down and continues drinking. Once more, the obnoxious duck yells, "Hey, would you like to know how your mom is in bed?!? The first duck, unable to take any more, yells, "Ahhh shut up and go home, dad, you're drunk!"

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A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman:

"Got any bread?"

to which the barman replies "no"

Again the duck asks "Got any bread?"

"no"

"Got any bread?"

"no"

"Got any bread?"

"no"

"Got any bread?"

"no"

"Got any bread?"

"NO"

"Got any bread?"

"NO and if you ask one more time I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar!"

So the duck asks "Got any nails?"

The barman replies "no"

So the duck asks "Got any bread?"

I was using a version of this 7 years back......

Rabbit into a shop "got any cabbage".................

no..........

repeat several times

I'll nail your floppy ears to the counter.........

"got any nails".......

no

"got any cabbage"...........

Still creases me up.......

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:lol: I'm probably sad but i like your jokes, bit worried about your duck obsession though? Sinister!! ;)

Never mind you're not on for a few days but gives you time to work on your jokes, there was an English duck, a Scottish duck and an Irish duck............ :P

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There's two Extra Strong mints in a bar having a laugh with a Smartie and boasting about who's got the strongest flavour, the smartie points out the mint tictac and the extra strong mints start taking the :censor: and getting a bit abusive so the tictac gets a bit scared and runs out the door. The smartie then pics out a Polo mint, the extra strong mints aren't fazed at all and say yeah, we can have him he's weak! and start throwing peanuts at the Polo, the Polo looks a bit alarmed but not too bothered and walks off round the other side of the bar and comes back with a couple of Tunes, the extra strong mints suddenly look a bit worried and quickly finish their pints and make a break for the door at which point the Smartie says what's wrong, you're not afraid of a couple of Tunes are you? the Extra Strong mints reply; sorry mate you're on your own – they're menthol!

I'm really sorry for that :lol:

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first off this was funny in the pub last nite after a few large one's,now i'm sober it's pretty sad...........

paddy and mick had been unemployed for a few years,but the government had changed the benefits system so the lads had to look for work.paddy went for an interview with an airline company and he got the job.mick then went for an interview with the same company,and when he was asked what he was capable of doing,he told them he was a wood chopper.

"but this is an airline company.we don't have any need for wood choppers"he was told.

"paddy got a job here",complained mick.

"yes but paddy is a pilot".

"i know",said mick,"but how can he pile it if i don't chop it first?"

sorry everyone :crybaby:

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