Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

You know it is time to find a new girlfriend when she starts shopping at Jacamo.

[Raistlin]

I've written a song about a tortilla, well it's more of a wrap.

[Raistlin]

I started crying at the petrol station the other day,

I don't know why, I just started to fill up...

[Raistlin]

I thought I could hear onions singing Bee Gees songs in her fridge,

but it was just chives talking....

[fuel miser]

I wouldn't believe a word Churchill says, he told me he was seeing Bella Emberg last weekend........(cut to clip)

well somebody cleaned this one up (it's been transformed into a truly hysterical gag now!), obviously this "adult humour" thread can't be that adult then

[Raistlin]

Gary Glitter has applied to take over from Houllier as the new Aston Villa manager.

He only showed an interest once he heard their strikeforce was Young, Bent and possibly Keane.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "Dundee Utd star charged with rape"

I'll be his QC and get him cleared on the technicality that Dundee Utd don't have any stars.

[Raistlin]

I was walking down the street the other day when some chap thought it would be funny to point at me and shout: "Oi, ginger paedophile!"

I was so disgusted with that person, how could you call me such a horrible and vile word.

I'm actually strawberry blonde...

[Raistlin]

I like my women how I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke

[Raistlin]

My blonde girlfriend and I were sat in the terminal at Heathrow, our flight had been cancelled due to heavy snow.

She says "Why don't they just build runways with a roof on, to keep the snow off ?"

She has a lovely pair of tits though...

[Raistlin]

Everyone reckons I look like Elvis Presley.

It's ok at times, but sometimes even shopping can be a nightmare.

I hate Tesco, too much chat.

Asda, talk, talk, talk.

I prefer a Lidl, less conversation.

[Raistlin]

Warning May Contain Nuts.

Although With Bangkok Lady boys You Can't Always Tell.

[Raistlin]

I took my dog to the vet earlier to ask why he has legs like hockey sticks.

"It's a lacrosse breed", he replied.

[fuel miser]

Deleted and PM sent

Edited January 20, 2011 by cfc1
Because it was!

[Raistlin]

There was an accident on the motorway today.

I tried to help the victims but there was so much blood that I felt sick and had to leave.

I'm sure they'll be OK until a different ambulance gets there.

[Raistlin]

Most akward moment at my new job today, as a tour guide at Vatican City,

was showing tourists round, talking about Benidict, when he comes round the corner,

Foolishly, I went "oh, speak of the devil!"

I'm now unemployed.

[Raistlin]

BBC NEWS- Transplant restores woman's voice

Her husband is said to be devestated.

[Raistlin]

Surprise sex is the best way to wake up...

Unless you're in prison.

[Raistlin]

With regards to the murder of Jo Yeates, it surprises me how the police are placing alot of emphasis on one pizza evidence

[Raistlin]

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are".

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk".

She said, "Yes you are".

I said, "No I'm not".

She said, "Can you tell the time ?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not drunk".

[fuel miser]

fuel miser,

cfc1 has sent you a new personal conversation entitled "Boy! Ain't this the truth!".

cfc1 said:

======================================================================

The so called joke you posted has absolutely no place on TOC, it is complete racism.. the fact that you mention the word "terrorist" doesn't make it better.. it only makes it even worse.

One warning and this is it.. any more and it's instand permanent ban!

======================================================================

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!

You can reply to this personal conversation by following the link below:

http://www.toyotaownersclub.com/forums/index.php?app=members&module=messaging&section=view&do=showConversation&topicID=95780#msg102336

Attn:- cfc1. The link you have provided "to reply to this personal conversation" is defunct, hence I have no option other than to query the matter in this way. Could you please search the word 'muslim' in this adult joke section, then search the word 'terrorist' and study the numerous jokes with the mention of these words, and particularly the context in which the words were used, which many other members including myself have posted in the past. Can you therefore confirm that we cannot post the word 'muslim' together with the word 'terrorist', but such jokes will continue to be acceptable where these words don't appear in the same post.

The "so called joke" was received by email and immediately copied and pasted within seconds on this and three other forums I frequently visit, so "the fact that you mentioned the word terrorist made it no better.. it only makes it even worse" wasn't something that I had even given time in consideration of.

I would sincerely apologise to anyone who was offended by my post as it was certainly not my intention to cause any offence. I am happy for you (cfc1), to post your clarification of what is acceptable and what isn't via an edit to this post as opposed to a private email, so that we are all aware of the rules.

Edit to add:- the link provided in the email sent to me would not work (and I tried several times), it appears to work in this post however.

[Raistlin]

Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds.

She's very tidy downstairs though.

[Raistlin]

I smashed my mates iPhone while in the pub last night.

Everyone was cheering me on.

It was the best reception his phone ever got..

[Raistlin]

I was in a mood earlier because the wife accused me of always trying to be too clever.

After hours of awkward silence, she asked "What's the matter ?"

I replied "It is the basic structural component of the universe.."

[Raistlin]

BBC News: US woman solves own baby kidnap

Meanwhile Kate and Gerry McCann are with Max Clifford deciding between appearances on Loose Women or Jeremy Kyle this afternoon.