Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

The first rule of narcoleptic club is.....

[atex]

The last office Christmas party

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 21st October 2008

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 22nd October 2008

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 23rd October 2008

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 24th October 2008

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, !Removed! are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with !Removed! men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the !Removed! men's table too To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!

Pauline.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All F***ing Employees

DATE: 25th October 2008

RE: The F****ing Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The !Removed! from HELL!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )

TO: All Employees

DATE: 26th October 2008

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John Benson.

[Raistlin]

All cats are actually left-handed.

That's why you rarely see them using scissors.

[Raistlin]

I can't imagine life without my wife.

I don't believe anything could be that good.

[Raistlin]

I was doing my wife doggy-style when I said, "Turn over, please."

She said, "Do you not like it this way?"

"I meant the TV," I replied, "Hannah Montana makes me cum too soon."

[Raistlin]

Me and my girlfriend keep getting into arguments. She says I 'know how to push all her buttons'.

All except 'mute' apparently..

[Raistlin]

I will never get down on one knee to my girlfriend if she is not willing to get down on 2 knees for me.

[Raistlin]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher

[Raistlin]

The Hobbit, the only time it's quicker to read the book than watch the film.

[Raistlin]

I've just had to buy ten new pets.

I'm running out of passwords.

[Raistlin]

I hid my wife's Christmas present in her own drawer.

The one where she keeps all her sexy knickers and stockings that she used to wear.

She'll never think to look in there, ever.

[Raistlin]

I was crossing the road with my wife when she was suddenly hit by a bus. I thought, "Shit, that could of been me!"

But then I realised that I dont have a bus drivers license.

[Raistlin]

Just had sex even though I had a headache. Did you hear that Ladies?

Nobody died...

[Raistlin]

I was on a date when she jokingly asked if I'd ever killed anyone.

I said, "Once, when I was drink-driving."

Shocked, she replied, "That must have been terrible."

"It was," I sobbed. "That's why I was late picking you up."

[Raistlin]

You think you have a busy job.

I work at the return desk in Toys 'R Us in Connecticut

[Raistlin]

With the end of the world almost upon us, I've decided to work my way through a list of all the taboo things I never dared to do in life.

So here I am, with a syringe full of heroin, wearing my wifes underwear and about to shag a sheep.

And as soon as I'm done, I'll get started on that list.

[Raistlin]

ITV 1: Girls aloud - 10 years at the top!

Isn't that a bit like saying ALDI: 10 years of top brands and quality?

[Raistlin]

"Bagsy top bunk!", I screamed as I jumped on the bed.

Later, as Big Terry brutally sodomised me I realised that prison was not going to be as easy as I'd first thought.

[Raistlin]

Well a predictable climax to the sports personality of the year.

As I knocked one out to Jessica Ennis

[Raistlin]

Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"

I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more sex."

"Oh great!" my wife sighed.

"Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."

[Raistlin]

After I got mugged in Bradford the police officer asked if I could give a description of the assailant.

"I can give a very accurate description," I replied, as he opened his notebook. "He was a white youth aged between...."

"That's OK sir," he said, closing his book. "We're well acquainted with the lad in question."

[Raistlin]

I've got my hands full with my new Lesbian neighbours.

Binoculars in one, cock in the other.

[Raistlin]

BBC News - The Death of the 'car tax disc' as DVLA records become digitised.

So, no more tax discs - for once, Liverpool is ahead of everyone else.

[Raistlin]

I was shaving my nutsack without water or shaving cream earlier when I thought to myself,God I seriously need to find a job.

[Raistlin]

After the disappointment of Asda turkeys for two years and then being let down by an Aldi 4 bird roast last year, I've found what could be the perfect thing for this year's Christmas dinner.

A Lidl donkey.