Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

People say these Tesco burgers taste foal.

I think they're ok. I just dressage them with some salad and mayo.

Really harnesses the flavour.

[Raistlin]

Your so hungry you could eat a horse you say? .........

No problem tesco have it covered.......... Every little helps ;)

[Raistlin]

Tesco have admitted there are traces of horse in there burgers,

Still no traces of chicken found in there drumsticks though

[Raistlin]

A burger walked into a bar.

The barman says, "why the long face?"

[Raistlin]

Tesco announced as the new sponsor of the Grand National.

[Raistlin]

Tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of uniquorn.

[Raistlin]

A change to the schedule now on BBC1.

Next up we have Homes under the helicopter.

[Raistlin]

New releases this week at Blockbuster -

The staff.

[Raistlin]

These Tesco burgers containing horse meat is nothing, my daughter bought something from there that contained traces of shit.

A One Direction CD.

[s m smith]

And thank you Sickipedia

[Raistlin]

Was in Tesco's cafe earlier when the woman asked if I wanted anything on my burger?

So I replied "Yes, a fiver each way"

[Raistlin]

Tesco have launched a new line of baps exclusively for their value burgers...

Thoroughbread.

[Raistlin]

How can you tell if an Essex girl is having an orgasm?

She drops her chips.

[Raistlin]

Why do pidgeons fly upside down over liverpool?

Nothing worth shitting on.

[Raistlin]

Balli has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

[Raistlin]

A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.

This man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?" The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff.

The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girls parents mangled in the rocks below.

The man turns round and undoing his flies says, "I guess it just isn't your lucky day"

[Raistlin]

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

[Raistlin]

Waitrose burger or Tesco burger?

That is equestrian.

[Raistlin]

A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my penis.

Weirdo never showed up.

[Raistlin]

HMV vouchers now being accepted at Tesco.

Just tell them HMV means Horse Meat Voucher

[Raistlin]

Storks bring people into the world,

Cranes take them out.

[Raistlin]

I don't think I'll buy my horseradish from Tesco in future...

[Raistlin]

I checked my Tesco Digestives for any traces of horsemeat, but I could only Seabiscuit.

[Raistlin]

Tescos have sent all remaining stock of tainted burgers to their Scottish stores.

A spokesman is quoted as saying 'It's neigh bother'.

[Raistlin]

A Highways Agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads.

I looked a right twat on the bus this morning...