Raistlin's Joke Page

[s m smith]

Of all of the things I miss the most, my wife says the toilet is the most annoying.

[Raistlin]

I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

She slapped my face and stormed off. I'm never taking anyone wine tasting again.

[Raistlin]

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn't long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff.

[Raistlin]

Rumor has it Fernando Torres also tried to kick the ball boy in the tunnel after the game, but he missed.

[Raistlin]

The Swansea ball boy only thinks he's had it bad tonight with Eden Hazard kicking him in the ribs, wait till he gets home and finds John Terry in bed with his mother

[Raistlin]

"That ball boy could have been killed"

-Alex Ferguson

[Raistlin]

Subliminal advertising.

Probably the best advertising in the world.

[Raistlin]

I took the local slag back to my place last night.

"Pull my pony tail really hard and stick it up my butt" she demanded.

I nearly broke her neck, the pony tail didn't reach.

[Raistlin]

I sent a naked picture of myself to my mum last night with the headline 'Me masturbating'

She instantly replied with 'This is not for me'

Oh well, each to their own.

[Raistlin]

It appears Tesco's problems aren't limited to their burgers.

I've just found horse in my radish.

[Raistlin]

I feel sorry for the ball boy that was assaulted by Hazard.

It's not easy being Welsh.

[Raistlin]

Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France.

It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.

[Raistlin]

David Cameron calls for UK referendum on EU membership...

If we do decide to leave Europe, I hope we move somewhere warmer.

[Raistlin]

'North Korea plans nuclear test targeting US'

At first I was alarmed at reading this, then I realised they meant United States.

[Raistlin]

My wife keeps bragging to her mates about how good I am in bed..

It must be really difficult for them all to act surprised

[Raistlin]

'Women are to serve on the frontline'.

Well, a bloke's got to eat hasn't he?

[Raistlin]

I've been down on my luck recently so when I saw an old lady drop her pension money outside the Post Office, I was faced with a real dilemma.

Do I spend it on drugs, alcohol, or a combination of both.

[Raistlin]

Virgin box for sale, only 3 months old.

You won't believe how many phone calls I received after placing this advert in the local newspaper.

[Raistlin]

When chuck Norris kicks ball boys

They die.

[Raistlin]

Katie Price has lost her job working on the rape support line.

She accused all the callers of showing off.

[Raistlin]

[Raistlin]

Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office.

I will track you down. You have my Word.

[Raistlin]

A young blonde bird came up to me in the pub last night.

She said, "My mum is sitting over there and we were wondering if you'd ever tried a mother and daughter threesome."

"Once, yes," I replied.

"Ooh, did you like it?" she asked.

"I loved it," I replied. "And so did my sister."

[Raistlin]

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Prison and Liverpool?

One you're surrounded by thieves, scumbags and murderers, the other you're on your own in a cell.