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Raistlin's Joke Page


Raistlin
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I think all Muslim terrorists who want to voice their hatred for this country should be given a platform to speak from.

As long as it comes with a trap door and a rope.

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you were lucky raistlin... good job the software holds deleted topics and posts for a period of time. saved 13k posts!

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After 1 pint I was an absolute mess. I threw up down my shirt, tried to finger this old lady, before shitting myself and falling asleep in the corner.

The nurses said that isn't a normal reaction to giving blood.

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My mate Jim says i'm schizophrenic, which is weird because I don't have a mate called Jim.

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Used Fairy Liquid as lubricant last night as it said it'd last for 50% longer.

Best 3 minutes of my life.

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Two former Dad's Army stars to be investigated by Operation Yewtree.


"Turn that Light out" and Don't Panic!!....

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I re-visited my old school today and was amazed to see how small things were.

Unfortunately this included the emergency exits...hence my arrest.

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The pictures of the little chinese baby who was rescued after blocking the sewage pipe were really heart warming.

I hear the nurses have named him Tam Pon.

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So someone dropped a Chinese baby in a toilet?

My advice is to pop it in a bag of rice overnight...

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I've just won a single glove in a competition I found on the back of a jar of Colmans.

Not a great prize, mustard mitt

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My Chinese neighbour came round with his young kid earlier, showing off the new flared jeans he'd dressed him in.

"I'm amazed you chose them Wang", I smiled. "I thought you lot like to put your kids in drainpipes?".

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My youngest brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and I supposed he needed some cheering up.

So I hugged him and then whispered 'You are not alone'

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If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic.

Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.



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There is no Britain's Got Talent on ITV tonight...

...It has been replaced by England's Got No Talent at a 8pm kick off.

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Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.


Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

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I love watching the girlfriend coming out of the shower.

The only problem is, she doesn't know am her boyfriend.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Northing in June from Raistlin?

Hope everything's OK

:dontgetit:

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Yes, I've been missing my daily fix of NPC humour. He's posted elsewhere recently ....

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Just moved so waiting for the fibre to be connected.

Just been dipping in on the mobile...

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Glad everything seems to be ok

We's all worried about yer.

But you've got have plenty of fibre.

......at least that's what my quack keeps telling me!

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I think I might be getting laid tonight.

Rose petals on the bed, romantic music in the background.


But what's really giving it away is the way my naked cell-mate is winking at me while he's slowly stroking his large erection.

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If I stole 30 grand from a bank, I would go to jail.

But if I were to borrow it, with no intention of paying it back, then I would be an overseas student.

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The minute the great man dies , cryogenics should be employed until a cure is found for old age and chest problems....

Freeze Nelson Mandela !!

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I was doing a crossword earlier, the clue was "A bike 2 people can ride at once (6)"

It turns out the answer wasn't "Jordan".

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I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off.

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'

So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

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