Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I settled down to watch this programme about transgender marriage the other night, but was disappointed that it focused on scenery instead. I phoned the BBC to complain.

Turns out that the Hebrides are a Scottish Island.

[Hugo D'Aygo]

It wasn't too long ago that everyone was disappointed at the delay in operation of these new Dreamliners and them being unable to fly in them.

Now they're getting upset because they might have to!!!!

Hugo.

[Raistlin]

I've just spent the whole day standing in line outside a Supercuts salon.

I didn't need a haircut - I just love a barber queue on a hot day.

[Raistlin]

According to legend, Walt Disney was a notorious racist, anti-Semite and Nazi sympathizer.

I can quite believe it.

I went to Disneyland once, and there were skinhead kids all over the place

[Raistlin]

Isn't it ironic, a little less Glee, brings a lot more happiness.

[Raistlin]

As she slowly eased the cucumber into my arse, it got me thinking.

I won't ask for help with packing the shopping again.

[Raistlin]

I just received an email welcoming me to the Alzheimer's Society.

Which is weird, as I don't remember ever joining.

[Raistlin]

I love the way that my wife smiles at me first thing in the morning.

As I stretch her mouth wide apart.

[Raistlin]

The barman says: "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here." A tachyon enters a bar.

[Raistlin]

Finally after years of study and reports, we now know what makes black sprinters faster than white sprinters.

Drugs.

[Raistlin]

At least Cory Monteith died doing what he loved.

Heroin.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Glee star; Cory Monteith's family and the Australian Cricket Team?

Cory Monteith's family will bring home the ashes.

[Raistlin]

"Can I help you, sir?", asked the sales assistant.

"No thanks", I said, "I'm just looking."

"Please leave the ladies changing rooms", she said.

[Raistlin]

As I saw my kitchen was on fire, as were my wife and her mum, I quickly rushed out with a fire extinguisher and thought,

"Where the hell can I hide this bloody thing?!"

[Raistlin]

I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week.

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Susan Taylor dies during English Channel charity swim.

Presumably I'm getting my £2 back then?

[Raistlin]

I bought my ginger mate a huge wallet for his birthday.


It's big enough to keep a sock in, just in case.

[Raistlin]

Just spent three hours in A & E.

I fell off the roof at IKEA and got my legs wedged in the sign.

[Raistlin]

I was on my way to work this morning when my wife called me.

She said, "Dave, can you open the bathroom window when you're having a shit?"

"Probably not," I replied, "The handle would be too far away."

[Raistlin]

I've found out why Nelson Mandela has defied death and seems to be getting better,

South Africa have also decided to abandon the Liverpool Care Pathway

[Raistlin]

My wife came to me weeping last night, saying that she could never live up to the girls in my porn mags.

I took her in my arms and made sweet love to her.

Then when I was finished, I shoved her under the bed.

[Raistlin]

I don't normally suffer from hayfever but having some really rough sex in the woods today I cant stop sneezing.

On second thoughts.....It could be down to the pepper spray.

[Raistlin]

I was a bit upset when I overheard my wife telling her friend I'm useless in the bedroom department.

The wallpapering isn't that bad.

[Raistlin]

My wife keeps having a go about my immaturity.

Thought I would prove her wrong, sat down with my coffee for a serious read of today's news on the BBC website and got "Helmet water leak halts ISS spacewalk"

She's not talking to me again.

[Raistlin]

Some people have a problem with breast feeding in public. Especially this woman on the bus this morning.

I only managed a tiny suck before she hit me on the head with her handbag.