Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

One night stands are like kebabs.

Brilliant when you're drunk, disgusting to look at in the morning.

[Raistlin]

Beware of geeks bearing GIFs

[Raistlin]

I got into a Yorkshire university with my A level results: A,C,D,C.

I'm on the highway to Hull

[Raistlin]

My old grandad once said, "Don't believe everything you hear."

That was great advice.

Or was it?!

[Raistlin]

I was chatting to a girl in a bar when she noticed a bulging erection in my pants.

"Sorry about that," I said. "I just find the Irish accent an incredible turn on. What's your name, by the way?"

"Svetlana," she replied. "And yours?"

"Paddy."

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend just walked out the shower dripping wet and said "I've just shaved my pussy, you know what that means"

I said "yeah the fricking drains are blocked again"

[Raistlin]

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.

Picked him up in a night club.

He looked like a woman.

Smelled like a woman.

Danced like a woman.

Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!....

That's when I thought "Hell there's something wrong here"

[Raistlin]

My wife wakes up at 6 am everyday and gives me a blow job.

Whether she wants to or not.

[Raistlin]

Dear YouPorn

Thank you for the kind offer, but I think it's best I don't tweet details of the videos I've been watching to my friends and relatives.

[Raistlin]

BT Live Games, had major problems today..

Unlike the Arsenal goal line technology, which seems to have worked perfectly on three separate occasions.....

[Raistlin]

My wife left it too me to choose a holiday for her and her mates to go on.

They flew out 5 days ago, and I'm kicking myself now for picking the wrong destination.

I was so close to sending her to Egypt too.

[Raistlin]

So I took O2's advice and became more dog.

So I humped the pretty lady next door, and well to cut the story short, I have to move and I'm in court next Tuesday on rape charges.

[Raistlin]

An arsenal fan fed up after todays match decides he needs a holiday & decides to visit his local travel agents.

I need a holiday he says todays result was embarrassing and I want to get away from it all for a week he tells the travel agent.

The travel agent replies try Spain, I hear you cant beat a good villa this time of year.

[Raistlin]

So the American government has admitted that Area 51 does exist.

Now all we need is for them to tell us where the other 50 areas are.

[Raistlin]

It seems new compelling evidence has come to light that a British soldier may have murdered Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed.

The British soldier is alleged to have used the ultimate in assassins weaponry to kill the pair.

A white Fiat Uno.

[Raistlin]

I had sex with an Australian the other day?

And ever since, my voice keeps rising at the end of my sentences?

I think it's a Sexually Transmitted Inflection...

[spoofpig]

2 monkeys in a bath and the first monkey goes 'ooooooaaaaaahhhhhhhhh' and the second monkey goes 'well put some cold in'

[Raistlin]

I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."

He said, "Arsenal to win the Premiership."

[Raistlin]

In Australian Football news...

The Melbourne Football Club has announced that it's offering reciprocal rights to Arsenal members.

[Raistlin]

My wife gets very depressed and suicidal.

I am at my wits end with trying to help her.

I have bought rope, poison, knives, drugs and even a gun but none of it seems to help her.

[Raistlin]

This really fit bird shouted at me, "shake what ya momma gave ya!" while I was on the dance floor last night.

But I just stood motionless, as I was unable to figure out how to shake self loathing and guilt.

[Raistlin]

"Smoking is bad for you - it increases your heart rate"

"Exercise is good for you - it increases your heart rate"

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

[Raistlin]

I went to see the doctor about my erectile dysfunction.

"I even tried some of these little blue pills I bought off a bloke in the pub, but they didn't help either."

"Well they were never going to work," he said after a quick look.

"Why not?" I asked. "I paid a lot of money for them. I thought Viagra was supposed to good?"

"It is," he replied. "But I'm sorry to tell you that those are Skittles."

[Raistlin]

I was going for a piss when I suddenly felt a little bit of poo popping out.

I thought to myself, "I better sit down quick."

The other men using the urinals thought I was a right weirdo.

[Raistlin]

I'm on the Bon Jovi fruit diet.

Today, I'll be living on a pear.