Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Every Christmas for over thirty years the same bloke takes money off the population while inflicting terrible misery on us and nothing can be done about it.

I hope you are proud of yourself Noddy Holder...

[Raistlin]

Honestly, people are so quick to judge. 40 or 50 genuine mistakes and suddenly you're a slut!

[Raistlin]

My mum always buys and wraps my Christmas presents months in advance.

Last year she got me a lovely dog skeleton.

[Raistlin]

Settled down to watch Obama at the Mandela gig with my deaf wife the other day.

Apparently, Space Shuttle Atlantis is due to have a baby next buffalo.

[Raistlin]

Why did God create women?

Because hopes and dreams won't crush themselves.

[Raistlin]

Now I'm not usually a betting man...

But I'll bet this months wages that Kim-Jong-Un's uncle fiddled with him as a child.

[Raistlin]

The North Koreans have executed one of their Top Dogs

Apparently he was delicious...

[Raistlin]

We stood face to face, gazing into each others eyes

Then she said the three little words that changed my life forever

"That's him, officer"

[Raistlin]

Tonight ITV. X factor, the final.

If only it was true

[Raistlin]

In our hotel, we decided to get into the proper Christmas spirit.

Anyone who wanted a room was told to sod off.

[Raistlin]

My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.

He said, "You know you could do better."

"Thanks dad, that means a lot.", I replied

"I was talking to your girlfriend."

[Raistlin]

My mother in law died last year on Christmas day.

So for this year's present I've no idea how my wife's going to top that...

[Raistlin]

Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute?

Just ask your girlfriend if she's gained weight

[Raistlin]

I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.

There so stupid.

[Raistlin]

Paul Walker was buried yesterday.

Two weeks after he was cremated.

[Raistlin]

My wife is kicking me out the house because apparently I'm obsessed with rap.

She told me 2pac my bags and leave

[Raistlin]

Apparently Gazza has arrived at White Hart Lane with a KFC some beers and a fishing rod claiming to be a friend of AVB

[Raistlin]

Congratulations to Andy Murray the only person without a personality to win BBC sports personality of the year

[Raistlin]

China's lunar rover, the epitome of Chinese technological know-how, has just sent back its first pictures of the Moon's surface.

Now all they have to do is get them developed down the chemists.

[Raistlin]

I've just been arrested by police investigating match fixing.

They executed search warrants at my home and office, seized my computer, laptop and mobile phone, and froze my bank account.

All I did was go into my local bookies and put a £5 bet on Manchester United to win.

[Raistlin]

The best time to have a cigarette is right after sex.

Or, so I'm told.

[Raistlin]

I'm lying in bed, smoking a joint and listening to the Carpenters...

Who are taking way too long installing the new kitchen.

[Raistlin]

Michael Barrymore said it's great news that Tom Daley is gay.

He said, "It's great to finally meet someone who takes it up the arse and can swim."

[Shemanski]

wow that's a lot of jokes but I gotta say they make me laugh.

Thanks

[Raistlin]

In a press conference Police have announced they have found a body in a graveyard - They have also announced they found a car in a car park too.