Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My boss stormed up to me in the office today and said, "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"

"Not particularly," I replied.

[Raistlin]

A wife is a bit like an old television.

It used to look good, but now it's too big for the room, but you know you can't afford a newer model so you bang it anyway to keep it going.

[Raistlin]

Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide.

Sort of proves his point, really.

[Raistlin]

There is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house.

This is due to it's powerful hind legs..

..And the fact that the average house cannot jump

[Raistlin]

I have friends who swear they dream in colour but it's just a pigment of their imagination

[Raistlin]

"Bill Roache describes Corrie star Anne Kirkbride's final days: 'She looked like a 16-year-old'"

So, in your eyes, Bill...she was well past it, was she?

[Raistlin]

My friend said if he got a winning lottery ticket that he would give me half.

Hopefully I get the bit with the bar-code.

[korat102]

I went to a disco last night.

They played "The Twist". I did The Twist.

They played "Jump". I jumped.

They played "Come on Eileen". I got kicked out for that one...

[Raistlin]

Last night I was on a porn site when I got a message with a picture of me wanking into my Chelsea sock.

"You have been hacked. Unless you send £500 by Friday to the address below, we will post this picture on all your social media accounts so your family and friends can see."

Bloody hell! I thought

How would I live with the shame with all the taunts that would come my way and the possibility of being disowned by my family?

Needless to say I sent the money today. Better that than everyone discovering I am a Chelsea fan.

[Raistlin]

UKIP has denied claims by Amjad Bashir that the party is a vanity project of its leader.

The secretary for Nigel Farage issued a strong rebuttal from Nigel Farage Lodge on the Nigel Farage Estate after yesterday's monthly Nigel Farage Dinner in support of the Nigel Farage Scholarship Fund.

[Raistlin]

Demis Roussos has died.

Meaning greece has lost at least another 320 pounds.

[Raistlin]

For all those on facebook, you'd better pop your head out the door to see if you need to wear a jacket to work.

Oh, and by the way, I had toast for breakfast this morning.

[Raistlin]

Motown legend, Gladys Knight, is reported to have made accusations of being the victim of sexual abuse by a British pop group in the 1960's.

A spokesman from Operation Yewtree confirmed that members of the Dave Clark Five were under investigation on the grounds that they had been "Feeling Glad All Over!"

[Raistlin]

My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex.

We laughed and laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife and I have different dentists.

[Raistlin]

I was visiting India when the worst thing happened. My hard-drive shorted, taking with it my entire porn collection.

With no hard-drive, no repair shop, and no internet, I did the next best thing...

...I bought a bus ticket.

[Raistlin]

I've just noticed Casualty is up to series twenty nine and to keep it true to life, some of the patients from series one are just being seen.

[Raistlin]

I only have one word for women who look at me like I'm some kind of sex object...

Hi.

[Raistlin]

I called into the library today and asked if they had any books on Katie Price's sexual exploits...

"I've got ten in at the moment." She said checking her computer.

I said, "Yeah, I'll take that one."

[Raistlin]

According to Stone Roses vocalist Ian Brown, when weatherman Fred Talbot was a schoolteacher at Altringham Grammar School For Boys, he taught his class to masturbate.

Hmm, so that's what he meant when he said it will be warm, wet and sticky this summer.

[Raistlin]

I brought a girl home, and when I took her upstairs she noticed two Ewoks sitting in the corner of my bedroom.

She asked, "Are they your costumes?"

"No way," I laughed. "They're my kid's."

"Oh, that's cool," she said, before ripping off my clothes and banging me senseless.

"Did you enjoy that?" she asked.

"We sure did," replied my sons in their little costumes.

[Raistlin]

Really Google Autocomplete?

You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?

[Raistlin]

The internet is truly amazing, I mean who knew there were so any single women within 3 miles of my house who are all fit as you like and desperate to shag me.

It must be down to the amount of Ipads I keep on winning unfortunately the 4.5 million still has not hit my account I will have to email Prince Mfufu to ask him to re-send it and make sure he has the right account details for me

[Raistlin]

In court, Gary Glitter wept as he was shown exhibits from his child porn collection.

Hardly the first time those pictures have caused him to release salty fluids into a handkerchief.

[Raistlin]

I don't have a problem with the Tax payer funding private transport for Harvey Price.

I wouldn't want him drooling on my kids school bus

[Raistlin]

I was just cleaning the snow off my car when my neighbour came out...

"What do you think you are doing?" She asked.

"Just wiping the snow off my windows, love." I replied.

"Put my bloody cat down!" She raged.