Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I just had a delicious mouth-watering Brownie.

Later I'm going to see if I can pick off any of the girl guides.

[Raistlin]

Police are seeking a man who has so far stabbed six people to death with knitting needles all in the same area.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern..

[Raistlin]

I would drink in moderation...

But I don't know where it is.

[Raistlin]

All men who travel on the tube are faced at some point with the same dilema and you need to ask yourself one question...

Is better to have a pregnant woman standing or a fat woman crying?

[Raistlin]

I tried phone s*x once,

but the holes were too small.

[Raistlin]

7up.

To you and I, a delicious fizzy drink.

To Snow White, a cracking evening in.

[Raistlin]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have s*x when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £20 for s*x."

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25..."

[Raistlin]

I went into the local chinese takeaway last night and stomped on all the food.

I'm being done for wonton destruction...

[Raistlin]

An 'Essex girl' went to a lawyer and said "I want to divorce my husband."

"On what grounds?" asks the lawyer.

"Infidelity ...

... he's not fathered any of my children."

[Raistlin]

I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a pun about driving a limousine.

But I have nothing to chauffeur it.

[Raistlin]

I call my little brother Trebor.

His name's actually Robert but he's a bit backward.

[Raistlin]

When I was a child, I used to love watching Blue Peter.

Not the TV programme, the kid from school, I used to steal his inhaler.

[Raistlin]

My OCD gets worse when I've been drinking.

I have even started rearranging my wife's face when I get in from the pub.

[Raistlin]

Normal drugs not doing for you?

Theres some smack for that.

[Raistlin]

I have my OCD entirely, wholly, fully, thoroughly, utterly, 100% perfectly under control.

It says so on my checklist.

[Raistlin]

Why is it that girls are allowed into Scouts but boys aren't allowed into Guides?

Wait, don't answer that.

[korat102]

Boy whispers to his mum at a wedding, "Mummy, why is the woman dressed in white?"

She smiles at him. "Because this is the happiest day of her life."

He thinks aboiut it for a while then pipes up again, "So why is the man dressed in black?"

[Raistlin]

I was telling my mate I had to dump my girlfriend now she was 16.

I carried on." When we first got together she was 8."

He said. " You dirty pervert. People like you should be locked up. I can't believe what you are telling me."

I said." Mate, dress size is important."

[Raistlin]

Womens Curling.

Is there anything more satisfying than seeing a woman bent over sweeping for all she's worth?

[Raistlin]

This really fit bird came up to me last night and asked me to get her a drink.

I felt like I had a chance with this one.

Then I remembered I was the bar tender.

[Raistlin]

Don't you miss the days when an unattended bag was a good thing

[Raistlin]

My house has a room full of mirrors.

Sometimes I go there to reflect.

[Raistlin]

I can't wait for my imminent windfall.

I just had an offer via email from a rich Nigerian man who wants to put a £1million in my bank account for a week and then £200k of it will be mine.

I've also given my parents account numbers and stole my neighbours post and give him theirs too.

We're all gonna live like kings.

[Raistlin]

Just got out of prison after being covicted of raping three minors.

I thought I had a good defense: it was dark and I thought they liked it.

Obviously not.

"Do you regret it?" the judge asked.

"The only thing I regret is not washing the coal off before the police arrested me."

[Raistlin]

There can be some advantages to employing dyslexic staff, as I found out the day after I sent an email to my secretary telling her to sack my cook.