Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

[Red Yaris 54]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Thats not an "ALL NEW JOKE"

Don't give up your day job

[Raistlin]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Thats not an "ALL NEW JOKE"

Don't give up your day job

It was new to me ;)

[Red Yaris 54]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Thats not an "ALL NEW JOKE"

Don't give up your day job

It was new to me ;)

I would get rid of your script writer then ;)

[Raistlin]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Thats not an "ALL NEW JOKE"

Don't give up your day job

It was new to me ;)

I would get rid of your script writer then ;)

He's all I can afford :P

[Raistlin]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Thats not an "ALL NEW JOKE"

Don't give up your day job

It was new to me ;)

I would get rid of your script writer then ;)

He's all I can afford :P

[Raistlin]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Thats not an "ALL NEW JOKE"

Don't give up your day job

It was new to me ;)

I would get rid of your script writer then ;)

He's all I can afford :P

[Raistlin]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Thats not an "ALL NEW JOKE"

Don't give up your day job

It was new to me ;)

I would get rid of your script writer then ;)

He's all I can afford :P

[Raistlin]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman.

"Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man,

"how much do I owe you?"

[Raistlin]

Two prostitutes chatting after the Christmas holidays:

What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?

Hundred pounds, as usual.

[Raistlin]

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.

"Fifty pounds for three questions," replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

[Raistlin]

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."

[Raistlin]

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"

"He turned blue and grabbed his chest and fell on to the carpet."

[Raistlin]

This day holds a lot of meaning for me.

It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.

I'll never forget that game of cards...

[Raistlin]

If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?

[Raistlin]

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

[Raistlin]

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's too heavy," says the vet.

[Raistlin]

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.

He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk.

In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

[Raistlin]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is, I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

[Raistlin]

Why don't oysters give to charity ?

Because they're shellfish.

[Raistlin]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.

[Raistlin]

Girl woke up in the morning after a party and found an Elephant in bed beside her.

She said "I must have been tight last night"

The Elephant said "You were the first time but second time was'nt so bad"

[Raistlin]

This young lady, a flighty young thing, got a job cleaning the bank windows in the evening after the bank closed for business.

Anyway, she was up this ladder, cleaning good and proper and as she was in the habit of wearing no knickers, every young man who would come along would stop and stare for a second or two.

But this evening an old geezer came along and stayed looking.

"What are you looking at" she said.

"I'm looking at the moon" he said.

"Well, if you were here last night, you would have seen a man in it" she said.

[Raistlin]

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

[Raistlin]

At court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."

The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with Battery."

The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell"