Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks.

If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible."

"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."

[Raistlin]

The old man was saying to his doctor, "You know, Doc, when I was young, it was as hard as a rock.

As I got a little older, I could bend it a little and now I can bend it a lot.

Does that mean I'm getting stronger?"

[Raistlin]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.

The first thing he notices about her though, are her jeans.

They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the jeans up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

"Excuse me miss, but how does one get into your jeans?"

"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

[Raistlin]

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich.

The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack."

The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew."

"Probably, " replied the clerk.

"And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?"

"Probably," the clerk again replied.

"Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?"

At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."

[Raistlin]

A man calls his wife and says to her, "Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss.

Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?" "Sure, honey," his wife answers.

"Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pyjamas?"

"Sure, honey," his wife answers again.

The man comes home, picks up his things and takes off for the week.

He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets him at the front door. "So honey, how was your fishing trip?"

"It was great..." the husband answers. "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas."

"No I didn't," said his wife. "They were in your tackle box."

[dave.m]

I reckon I've got you sussed, your real name is Jerry Seinfeld

[Raistlin]

I reckon I've got you sussed, your real name is Jerry Seinfeld

Promise you won't tell anyone B)

[Raistlin]

Subject: Bank Credit issues

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal ...

[Raistlin]

Imagine you`re in a room with no windows and no doors,

how do you get out?

Stop imagining!

[Raistlin]

How do you confuse a blonde ?

You don't, they're born that way.

[Raistlin]

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

[Raistlin]

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?

Breasts don't have eyes.

[Raistlin]

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tyre, and couldn't bear passing her by.

He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, little lady, that's done!"

"Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake up my husband.

He's taking a nap in the back seat."

[Raistlin]

Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it out to the mountains to fly it.

He was cruising along a few hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below.

He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable.

Suddenly the hunters look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.

When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the other and says "What kinda bird you reckon that was?"

The other hunter replies "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it.

"How's that?"

"You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?

[Raistlin]

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name ?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

[Raistlin]

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.

The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them.

The second man looked at the first, confused, and said, "What are you doing? Running shoes aren't going to help, you can't outrun that bear."

"I don't need to," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."

[Raistlin]

A man calls his family doctor:

Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.

Doctor: OK, bring her in and I'll try to help.

Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don't cure her

[Raistlin]

This male prostitute contracted sexually transmitted disease.

He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off

[Raistlin]

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.

"Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends three hours every night in your apartment?"

Mrs Smith replied. "Its a platonic friendship.

Its play for him and a tonic for me."

[Raistlin]

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked.

"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."

"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"

"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.

[Raistlin]

Mom, I'm pregnant."

"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?"

"That I should take measures. That's what I did!

I took measures and then went with the biggest."

[Raistlin]

Why couldn't the blonde pass her drivers test?

Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat.

[Raistlin]

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two.

We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

[Raistlin]

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"

remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough

for me."

[Raistlin]

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget.

Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"

Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says,

"Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"