Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can't steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.

Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?

Well, the light bulb is brighter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

[Red Yaris 54]

Raistlin...............You have already been warned by Steve to keep your jokes clean.

Your last few days of jokes have degenerated into Toilet humour and sexual inuendos.

Please try to maintain an original and respectable standard of jokes on this "family friendly" forum or don't bother to post any more jokes.

[Raistlin]

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

[Raistlin]

A couple came upon a wishing well.

The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too.

But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

[Raistlin]

Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing?

Because the runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide.

[Raistlin]

Handy guide to modern science:

If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.

If it stinks, it's chemistry.

If it doesn't work, it's physics.

[Raistlin]

Wife: Who was that on the phone?

Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.

Wife: What did he say?

Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...

[Raistlin]

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail.

The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.

A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage.

Finding the politicians he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

[Raistlin]

LONDON 2012 Olympics

As you may know, East London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know, is that many aspects of the games have been especially altered to embrace the culture of the area. A copy of these changes has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games East London 's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 Metres Sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 Metres hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).

Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller, or Securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic pistol, or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.

Boxing - Entry to the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.

Cycling pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

Swimming Events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised. Please note that the synchronised swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be decided.

Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Stratford , especially anyone that appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by The Walthamstow Community Choir. The flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham supporters.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

LATE NEWS

Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above, but with the Pentathlon modified to include killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down' contest.

To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games.

[Raistlin]

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

[Raistlin]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

[Raistlin]

Private Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised

new recruits about their government benefits, especially their insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Private Jones was

having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly

100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this,

the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales

pitch.

Jones explained the basics of Insurance to the new recruits, and

then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a Insurance, the

government has to pay £ 200,000 to your beneficiaries.

But, if you don't have a insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only

has to pay a maximum of £ 6,000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send

into battle first?"

[Raistlin]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.

He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.

Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

[Raistlin]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.

I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?'

....and she's always sound asleep."

[Raistlin]

Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country and his car broke down.

He hiked several miles to a farm house, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay over night.

"Sure," said the farmer, "my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are 21 and 23 but they're off to college, and I'm all by my self, so I have lots of room to put you up."

Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back towards the highway, and the farmer called after him...."Didn't you hear what I said? I have lots of room."

"I heard you," said the salesman,"but I think I'm in the wrong joke."

[Raistlin]

As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office.

"Do you know what time we quit around here ?" he asked.

"Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door."

[Raistlin]

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding.

Suddenly, Steve falls off.

He is killed instantaneously.

After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

[Raistlin]

3 friends die in a car crash and they all go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

[Raistlin]

Two friends meet each other on the street.

"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.

"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery.

I just buried my mother-in-law" replied Sid.

"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face scratched all over?".

"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

[Calisto]

10 out 10 for them....keep them coming

[Raistlin]

There were three guys in a bar.

Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives.

The third remains silent.

After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and says "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife ?"

"Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed ! "What happened then ?" they asked, almost in unison.

"Well, then she said, Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man ! "

[Raistlin]

Six stages of married life:

1: Tri-weekly

2: Try weekly

3: Try weakly

4. Try oysters

5: Try anything

6: Try to remember

[Raistlin]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

“'Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings’, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Alex.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home. “

[Raistlin]

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement.

Both are dragging their right foot as the walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Falklands"

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog muck, 20 feet back."