Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

ELEMENT NAME: Woman

SYMBOL: WO

ATOMIC WEIGHT: (don't even go there!)

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

Generally round in form.

Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time.

Melts whenever treated properly.

Very bitter if not used well.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

Very active. Highly unstable.

Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.

Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.

Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

USAGE:

Highly ornamental.

An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.

Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.

CAUTION:

Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

[Raistlin]

I met this hot babe in a club last night. She was really up for it.

We left the club and went down the nearest alley.

"Get yer wedding tackle out", she cried.

... A grey top hat and a dried up carnation, apparently wasn't what she had in mind.

[Raistlin]

I was reading an article which said that singers and firefighters have the highest job satisfaction amongst the known professions .

Obviously, they didn't consider pornstars.

[Raistlin]

New definition of the offside rule.

When a woman leaves the kitchen...

[Raistlin]

You know you've hit rock bottom when you ask out a blind woman and she tells you she's seeing someone.

[Raistlin]

I came home from work today to find that my wife had killed herself by running a bath and dropping the toaster in to the water.

I'm completely devastated,

How the hell am I going to make toast now ?

[Raistlin]

I'm looking forward to the next Monday Night Football, to be hosted by Roy Chubby Brown and Jim Davidson.

[Raistlin]

The way I see it is................ If she's up to date with the housework and shopping, why not let her run the line.

[Raistlin]

Energy efficient windows, No pane, No gain.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: 'Head Is Cleared After Rape'.

Wow, that sounds so much better than taking a Beechams Capsule.

[Raistlin]

Richard Keys says that he tried phoning Karen Brady to apologise for the comments he made at the weekend, but she didn't answer the call

Maybe she hasn't got a phone in the kitchen Richard, try waiting till she's finished the dishes

[Raistlin]

The Sun, Today's Page 3 beauty is 17 year old Penny (36-24-36) from Newcastle.

She says: "Sky were right to sack Andy Gray. It's wrong for men to leer at young girls."

[Raistlin]

Two men were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you start making love to your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds....

[Raistlin]

Its in the news today that Romania are going to start taxing fortune tellers for the first time in history.

Needless to say there has been uproar in the community.

Personally I think they should have seen this coming.

[Raistlin]

Oh the irony ....

Andy gray when signing for wolves in 1980. "I'd like to finish my career at Molineux......"

[Ravi Shankar]

Deleted

Edited January 27, 2011 by cfc1
Racism... member banned

[Raistlin]

I suppose you have to feel a bit sorry for Andy Gray.

He worked for Sky for 15 years and the first time he talked any sense he gets sacked.

[Raistlin]

Don't worry Sian, It's ok to know nothing about football.

To be honest, I don't know the first thing about ironing.

[Raistlin]

I was walking down the road when a homeless man stopped me and said, "Spare a thought for those less fortunate than you."

I got lucky, they usually ask for money.

[Raistlin]

Don't know what all this fuss is about regarding Sian Massey.

I was at the game, I saw her running up and down the line waving her arms around now and again.

She was useless, probably the worst cheerleader I ever seen.

[Raistlin]

My wife's a little cranky tonight.

It's Fan-Dabi-Dozi when she's dressed in her school uniform.

[Raistlin]

I think the NHS cutbacks have gone too far...

I didn't even get a sticker at the dentist today

[Raistlin]

The definition of irony;

Not knowing the difference between a definition and an example.

[Raistlin]

A woman brought her car into the garage I work at. When I asked her what she wanted, she pointed to the back of her car and said, "Brake light", so I twatted it with a hammer.

She screamed, "What the hell are you doing? That's not what I meant!"

So I smashed the other one.

[Raistlin]

Thousands flee to the egyptian border......

To use sudans WiFi