Soon To Be 50

[balli hi]

In just under 2 weeks i'll be celebrating my 50th birthday, and to be honest i don't feel like i'm almost 50, but the leg pulling has started in earnest from my freinds, as you will see from a list of jokes that were sent to me below....personally i love a good joke, and there are a few corkers amongst this lot. :)

YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN...

- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

- Things you buy now won't wear out.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.

- You start video taping daytime game shows.

- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

- You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

- You look both ways before crossing a room.

- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

- You have a dream about prunes.

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You take a metal detector to the beach.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You know what the word "equity" means.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel.

- You can go bowling without drinking.

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

- You don't remember being absent minded.

- "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

- Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

Laughter is a Great Way to Relax...... be lucky ( balli hi )

[Pat2u]

awwwww 50s not to bad i did it 12 years ago, and still feeling it :D :D have a good one.

[GIDDLEPIN]

Glad I'm not 50

I wouldn't have a Roadster

I wouldn't be getting up for work at 2:30 in a morning and doing 15-17 hour days

I wouldn't be doing a 3 day drive to Corfu and wouldn't be joining in with the fun and frolics when we get there then having a three day drive back

I wouldn't be going camping in a field with a bunch of other Tocers at this years JAE

I wouldn't have any "crash out" BBQ's at ours with said bunches of Tocers

In fact.....

I would hate to be 50 again ;)

[Bizarra]

Ouch !!!!!!! They are ALL so bloody true :lol2:

Cheer up Genetically speaking, I'm old enough to be your father, & the real me, the one that orders this body about, is 29 & is NOT going to get any older

Always remember my motto (not original :( ) "You are only as old as the woman you feel"

[Red Yaris 54]

Bali.....................You posted that too early :o

I will not remember that it is your birthday in TWO WEEKS time ;)

[balli hi]

The worrying thing is that i can associate with 3 of the jokes in my post

1/ Mallziemers Desease, i'm often forgetting which level i parked the car and end up spending a bit of time looking for it

2/ People often ask to borrow my tools :o

3/ my memory is getting shorter, and i'm definately complaining / moaning a lot more..... oh dear, maybe i am getting old after all

[Bizarra]

The worrying thing is that i can associate with 3 of the jokes in my post

1/ Mallziemers Desease, i'm often forgetting which level i parked the car and end up spending a bit of time looking for it

2/ People often ask to borrow my tools :o

3/ my memory is getting shorter, and i'm definately complaining / moaning a lot more..... oh dear, maybe i am getting old after all

Only three ? Are you sure? At your age you mighn't remember

[balli hi]

The worrying thing is that i can associate with 3 of the jokes in my post

1/ Mallziemers Desease, i'm often forgetting which level i parked the car and end up spending a bit of time looking for it

2/ People often ask to borrow my tools :o

3/ my memory is getting shorter, and i'm definately complaining / moaning a lot more..... oh dear, maybe i am getting old after all

Only three ? Are you sure? At your age you mighn't remember

I must admit i also know the meaning of Equity ..... Because ( on a more serious note ) i no longer have any!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks to the black hole that is the RBS ( Royal Bank Of Scotland ) unfortunately my wife and i had invested heavily in Rbs shares down the years and now virtually all is lost, unless of course your name is Fred Goodwin say no more !!

[Bizarra]

I know the feeling.

When I retired, I realised all my life Insurance etc, coz I didn't need the drain of monthly instalments & didn't need the insurance, because my Wife died nearly 5 years ago.

In my innocence, I wanted to put it in long term Deposit @ the best rate of interest I could find. The Government decreed other wise :censor: By law , I had to put it into funds, one of which I can't touch until I'm 75 [some hope ]. The bloody funds have gone down by 50% & dropping The money must have been largely invested in Banks, before the crash. If I'd been allowed to do my own thing, I would not have lost to that extent & would have had Interest added yearly

[balli hi]

I know the feeling.

When I retired, I realised all my life Insurance etc, coz I didn't need the drain of monthly instalments & didn't need the insurance, because my Wife died nearly 5 years ago.

In my innocence, I wanted to put it in long term Deposit @ the best rate of interest I could find. The Government decreed other wise :censor: By law , I had to put it into funds, one of which I can't touch until I'm 75 [some hope ]. The !Removed! funds have gone down by 50% & dropping The money must have been largely invested in Banks, before the crash. If I'd been allowed to do my own thing, I would not have lost to that extent & would have had Interest added yearly

I'm truly sorry bizarra to learn of your loss.

And as for our finances , i guess you could say we have both been well and truly credit crunched, :(