Top Tips

[Raistlin]

Some of these are old but still very useful.

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat, hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Weight watchers; avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying it in the first place you lardy bums.

4. Housewives when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

5. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle

6. Increase Blind peoples electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn’t looking.

7. Don’t buy expensive “ribbed” condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it, before you put it on.

8. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

9. Don’t waste money on expensive binoculars simply stand nearer to the object you are trying to view.

10. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

12. Thicken up runny low fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard

13. Hijackers, avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

14. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

15. Olympic athletes, disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower

16. Chelsea fans, save money on expensive new team strips, simply strap a fake willy to your forehead and it will become immediately clear to all, as to which team you support.

17. Avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the loo seat by always using the sink.

18. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they are always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they will not know the difference.

19. Invited by Vegetarians to dinner? Point out that since you’d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours and ask for a nice juicy rare steak.

[balli hi]

You rarely disappoint, very funny, keep it up

[Boro Sera]

Good old Viz ! Top stuff

[JappyBeast]

You rarely disappoint, very funny, keep it up

Dont encourage him!

[Bizarra]

You rarely disappoint, very funny, keep it up

Dont encourage him!

He doesn't need encouragement but a word of appreciation, now & then, doesn't hurt :D This forum would be dull without him

I look forward to my daily dose of wacky humour & postings

[Nettie McKenzie]

" 17. Avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the loo seat by always using the sink. "

I found the antidote to this one was to smear pure bleach along the sink edge - melted the little darlings privates nicely and he never did it again.

[martin_longbow]

" 17. Avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the loo seat by always using the sink. "

I found the antidote to this one was to smear pure bleach along the sink edge - melted the little darlings privates nicely and he never did it again.

RED CARD !

[Raistlin]

You rarely disappoint, very funny, keep it up

Dont encourage him!

Who needs encouragement when I have a natural effervescence and scant regard for any critics, So I unclog my nose in your general direction (Bad french accent).

My glass is always half full ( And if I find the person drinking it there will be trouble) :D