Some Jokes For Everyone

[mad welshman]

hope u enjoy.

>What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

>45 lbs.

>

>What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

>45 mins.

>

>What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment.

>

>What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

>£3.99 a minute.

>

>How can you tell if your wife is dead?

>The s*x is the same, but the dishes pile up.

>

>How can you tell if your husband is dead?

>The s*x is the same, but you get the remote control.

>

>What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?

>Humpme Dumpme.

>

>How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

>None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

>

>What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

>Through his chest with a sharp knife.

>

>Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and

>good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

>

>What is a man's view of safe s*x?

>A padded headboard.

>

>How do men sort their laundry?>

>Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

>

>What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year,

>the

>dog is still excited to see you.

>

>What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same

>urge

>that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

>

>

>Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

>The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen

>donuts.

>

>Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?

>The woman who ate the last donut.

>

>What is the difference between a Battery and a man?

>A Battery has a positive side.

>

>Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

>When you take it off, you wonder where the !Removed! went.

>

>Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

>Two mothers-in-law.

>

>How many men does it take to open a beer?

>None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

>

>If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

>front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once

>you let him in.

>

>What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

>A woman that won't do what she's told.

>

>I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

>

>I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.

>I don't like to interrupt her.

>

>What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence? Divorced.

>

>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's s*x drive by

>90%

>It is called Wedding Cake.

>

>Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,

>"Dust!"

>

>In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

>Then God created Man and rested.

>Then God created Woman.

>Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

>

>A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and

>said,

>"I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God,

>I

>wish I had your willpower."

>

>Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man

>doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

>Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

>What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

>45 lbs.

>

>What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

>45 mins.

>

>What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment.

>

>What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

>£3.99 a minute.

>

>How can you tell if your wife is dead?

>The s*x is the same, but the dishes pile up.

>

>How can you tell if your husband is dead?

>The s*x is the same, but you get the remote control.

>

>What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?

>Humpme Dumpme.

>

>How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

>None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

>

>What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

>Through his chest with a sharp knife.

>

>Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and

>good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

>

>What is a man's view of safe s*x?

>A padded headboard.

>

>How do men sort their laundry?>

>Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

>

>What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year,

>the

>dog is still excited to see you.

>

>What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same

>urge

>that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

>

>

>Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

>The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen

>donuts.

>

>Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?

>The woman who ate the last donut.

>

>What is the difference between a Battery and a man?

>A battery has a positive side.

>

>Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

>When you take it off, you wonder where the !Removed! went.

>

>Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

>Two mothers-in-law.

>

>How many men does it take to open a beer?

>None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

>

>If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

>front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once

>you let him in.

>

>What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

>A woman that won't do what she's told.

>

>I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

>

>I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.

>I don't like to interrupt her.

>

>What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence? Divorced.

>

>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's s*x drive by

>90%

>It is called Wedding Cake.

>

>Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,

>"Dust!"

>

>In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

>Then God created Man and rested.

>Then God created Woman.

>Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

>

>A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and

>said,

>"I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God,

>I

>wish I had your willpower."

>

>Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man

>doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

>Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

[stevetubbyturbo]

The funny thing is, its all true

Very good

[Twincam.GTi]

BRILLIANT

[Lois]

haha exellent!

[Rookey]

Seen them before but it only gets funnier :)

[astrocortex]

Watch this it's the funniest thing you'll see in a while

[Lois]

PMSL!!!! thats exellent!!!! hahaha!!!!!!

[Scottish_SR]

LMAO!! Nice one!

[stevetubbyturbo]

[mark_n]

One courtesy of Briskoda.

Three men in a bar , a doctor , a solicitor , and a biker who were having a chat and a drink and the cinversation got round to anniversaries .

The doctor said after a sip of his Martini " tomorrow is our wedding anniversary I have bought my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes , I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring , then at least she will like the Mercedes and know that I love her "

After a mouthful of scotch the solicitor said " For our last wedding anniversary I bought my wife a string of pearls and a holiday in the Bahamas , I figured that if she didn't like the pearls then at least she would enjoy the holiday and know that I love her "

And after guzzling down his pint the biker said " For our last anniversary I bought the old lady a T Shirt and a vibrator , I figured that if she didn't like the T Shirt , then she could go f*** herself"