Midweek Funnies

[Red Yaris 54]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun-dress, walked into a Pub in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The Pub went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The barman poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The barman approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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Gordon and the donkey

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news ... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead".

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back".

The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already".

Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway".

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?".

Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off".

To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!".

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that it's dead".

A month later the farmer met Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?".

Gordon said, "I raffled it off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds apiece, and made a huge, fat profit!".

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?".

To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize.

So I gave him his £2 ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy!".

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.

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Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says "The plane can only take four."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However,even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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Hope they made you chuckle

[Calisto]

LOL at them all.

First one is my fave, had to read it twice to "get it"

*I will get my coat??????

[Robie]

LOL at 1 and 3. Number 2 is a little too political to be funny!

[Calisto]

I thought No 2 was funny and hits the nail right on the head.

Depends on your point of view I guess. :)