Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Katie Price and a broom closet?

Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

[Raistlin]

Tired?

There's a nap for that.

[Raistlin]

I was watching 'Fantastic 4' on Channel 4 this evening and I thought to myself

"I see why The Thing is rock hard with Jessica Alba always around".

[Raistlin]

Every week when I go to the cinema, the usherette gives me a big smile and a wink.

I reckon she's holding a torch for me.

[Raistlin]

I'm Bill Gates, and I've managed to convince everyone that Windows 7 wasn't my idea.

[Raistlin]

Dyslexic?

For app there's an that.

[Raistlin]

Understanding abbreviations.

There's an app for that.

[Raistlin]

Dry or sore throat,

feeling a bit dehydrated need a glass of water.

There's a TAP for that.

[Raistlin]

A couple want to have a bash at anal sex, but the woman decides to play it safe and seek medical advice first.

"Anal sex is perfectly safe," says her doctor, "as long as you take it slowly at first and use plenty of lubricant. And you take care not to get pregnant, of course."

"What?" says the woman incredulously. "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Certainly," replies the doc. "Where do you think chavs come from?"

[Raistlin]

How many emos does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit in the dark and cry.

[Raistlin]

A dozen luxurious roses: £25

A heart felt, romantic card: £4

A tray of the finest Belgian chocolates: £18

Making her feel guilty about how much you spent, so you can spend all day on Modern Warfare 2, in peace:

Priceless

[Raistlin]

How does every ethnic joke start ?

By looking over your shoulder.

[Raistlin]

Just seen on the news that a blonde woman was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex.

Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokia's, 3 Motorola's and 1 Samsung.

No Siemen was found.

[Raistlin]

My local vet has been reading a book about a dog that's immune to anaesthetic.

He said he couldn't put it down.

[Raistlin]

Cracked lips ?

There's a chap for that...

[Raistlin]

Just seen a sign on a door that read: "This door is alarmed"

I wonder what startled it.

[Raistlin]

I just bought a goldfish and the bloody thing's epileptic!

Mind you, if I leave it in the bowl it's fine...

[Raistlin]

I've just realised that Curling is the perfect sport for couples.

It's got bowling for the guys and sweeping for the girls.

[Raistlin]

Despite being a ginger I can still make friends.

In fact, give me enough Lego and I can make anything!

[Raistlin]

Elitism.

It's not for everybody.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend surprised me today.

By working out how to get out of the basement.

[Raistlin]

I hear Apple is thinking of introducing a new gadget for Catholic choirboys.

It's called the iWasTouched.

[Raistlin]

So apparently Harriet Harman has become a candidate for 'Rear of the Year'.

Well, I suppose I wouldn't mind seeing the back of her.

[Raistlin]

Valentines are everywhere.

Even the trains in Belgium have got a crush on each other...

[Raistlin]

I had sex with a girl with Tourettes last night.

It's much better when they talk dirty.