Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Me and a mate have started dealing weed and sharing the profits.

It's a joint venture.

[Raistlin]

Shagging a girl in a wheelchair is much like scoring a goal via deflection.

You're not proud of it, but it still counts.

[Raistlin]

I've just lost my job as a painter and decorator.

I'm overcome with emulsion.

[Raistlin]

I just bought a brand new dishwasher and cooker.

Got both of them for the price of one.

God bless mail-order brides.

[Raistlin]

I bought my girlfriend a nine inch dildo for Valentine's Day and I've just had a text from her saying she loves it but it has given her jaw ache.

Tomorrow I'm going to propose.

[Raistlin]

BBC Headline: "Ads tackle teen domestic violence"

Rugby tackles are good but I find cricket bats more effective.

[Raistlin]

I just listened to the news and I think we should send our troops more yoghurts.

Apparently they've only got one Muller Corner'd

[Raistlin]

Pancake Day,

The only day of the year where hitting the ceiling is considered a bad toss.

[Raistlin]

I am a confused Jew...

... I have decided to give up Judaism for Lent

[Raistlin]

I had a Chinese last night.

I then took her out for a meal.

[Raistlin]

I got a new answering machine today but I think it's broken.

I've asked it loads of questions and nothing's happening.

[Raistlin]

Pancake day today.

That's a coincidence, as I've just battered my wife.

[Raistlin]

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little boy nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy was wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon was being pulled by his dog and his cat.

The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire engine," the fireman said with admiration.

"Thanks," the boy [...]

Reveal the rest of this joke

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little boy nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy was wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon was being pulled by his dog and his cat.

The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire engine," the fireman said with admiration.

"Thanks," the boy replied.

The fireman looked a little closer. The boy had tied the wagon to his dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy replied thoughtful, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Raistlin]

A Carpenter mate of mine is beside himself with anger because someone just stole all of his tools.

I think he's just a saw loser.

[Raistlin]

If ever one day you feel down and out and think that life couldn't get any worse......

Just remember, YOU were once the strongest and fastest little sperm in the load :)

[Raistlin]

I left my tabby in Trafalgar Square today.

That really put the cat amongst the pigeons.

[Raistlin]

Me and my wife were having an open discussion about the problems ruining our marriage.

We decided to lay down some ground rules for the talk and she suggested that we should treat no question as a stupid question.

Until I asked her if it was possible for her tits to sag any more.

Apparently that was an exception to the rule.

[Raistlin]

I don't know how your Pancake went.

Mne was pretty crepe

[Raistlin]

After a brief survey, it was revealed that Coca Cola once contained cocaine, and that Irn bru contains iron.

So what do they put in Ginger beer?

[Raistlin]

I beginning to think my new flat mate is gay.

Every time I kiss him goodnight he closes his eyes.

[Raistlin]

News: Women To Blame For Rape, Say Half Of Women

and that ma'lud is the case for the defence

[Raistlin]

I was watching this mime artist in town today.

He opened an imaginary window, picked up an imaginary suitcase and walked against an imaginary gale.

As the crowd clapped and he passed round the hat, I was suitably impressed enough to chuck in an imaginary fiver.

[Raistlin]

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest way alright!

[Raistlin]

I stayed in a rough hotel last night, the pages of the Gideon bible were stuck together.

[Raistlin]

Just been reading the new 'Wake up to Rape' report, here are a few facts:

One in five of the women surveyed said they would not report a rape to police.

53% said it was because of shame or embarrassment.

A quarter said they would remain silent about their attack in case their family found out.

It is estimated that in the UK 95% of rape cases go unreported and even then the conviction rate is extremely low

To top it all off 54% of women believe that the woman is in some way responsible

Now I'm not a betting man but I do like those odds