Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I'm never going to Thailand again.

I thought I'd booked a holiday with no hidden extras.

[Raistlin]

I went for a job as a toilet attendant in the interview the boss told me to grab a stool

I didn't get the job

[Raistlin]

My wife drove us into town today, she parked up in a side street. I said, "I'll get a taxi from here."

"Where to?" She replied.

"To the kerb."

[Raistlin]

For those who aren't sure, yes the internet was a British invention, and since we're on the subject, so was America.

[Raistlin]

Police in Paris have revealed that 51Kg of cocaine has gone missing from their central headquarters.

The police chief said at a press conference, "We'll do whatever it takes to catch the culprits, even if we have to stay up all night. And all tomorrow night. And then maybe hit a club or something."

[Raistlin]

The modern showbiz ruse to boost a flagging career, is to 'leak' a sex tape.

Thank god Clare Balding has got plenty of work.

[Raistlin]

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'

[Raistlin]

BBC News: A new national sperm bank is to open in Birmingham to combat the UK nation-wide shortage.

I think it's safe to say that with over 2 million unemployed men sitting at home with nothing to do all day, a sperm shortage is the least of our problems

[Raistlin]

I had one of my ribs removed so decided to see whether I would be able to suck my own dick.

I couldn't, and I'm now banned from that particular steakhouse.

[Raistlin]

Rolf Harris has been spat on in prison.

I've watched enough porn to know what happens next.

[Raistlin]

I watched my wife be eaten alive by piranhas.

It was the worst two weeks of my life.

[Raistlin]

Australia had originally booked Rolf Harris to play the didgeridoo at the commonwealth closing ceremony but he couldn't make it.

[Raistlin]

I fancied a few days off work, so I rang in to say that I might have Ebola.

My boss said you can only get it from sea air alone.

I said I must have caught it wandering along the beach at Whitley Bay

[Raistlin]

I went to the library and asked for a book about tortoises.

"It's over there," said the Librarian, "In the Hard Back section."

[Raistlin]

Katie Price was apparently panicking that her latest baby arrived two weeks early.

OK and Hello where both already tied up on photo-shoots.

[Raistlin]

John have you drawn breasts on the chalk board,

No it's math,

Show me...

And thus the Venn diagram was born.

[Raistlin]

German court agrees to drop Bernie Ecclestone bribery charges in exchange for £60 million...

Did Bernie Ecclestone just bribe his way out of bribery charges?

[Raistlin]

Failed another Job Interview today...

Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that I can effectively work as part of a team.

[Raistlin]

You just wouldn't believe how much time and effort goes into having two girlfriends.

I'm starting to neglect my third.

[Raistlin]

Magazine New Scientist reveals that the average fast-food chicken nugget is almost 60 percent fat.

They also reveal that the average Scouser is almost 60 percent chicken nugget.

[Raistlin]

Whenever I cook an Iceland frozen ready meal, I always find the serving suggestion the same -

In the bin.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Ebola and Tulisa?

Ebola will finish you off.

[Raistlin]

So Howard Webb has retired from refereeing..

In his honour, Manchester United have retired the penalty spot.

[Raistlin]

According to reports a passenger on board a Malaysia Airlines flight had to take control from the two pilots as the plane was coming into land.

A spokesperson for the airline stated to be fair the Pilots had never got that far before.

[Raistlin]

Road Safety News : The Government's latest proposal will involve using the face of a celebrity to help motorists immediately associate it a particular danger.

However it is currently undecided if the face of the 'Think Bike' campaign will be Kerry Katona or Katie Price.