Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Does anyone know if there are any sites on the internet, that tell you what schools are closed because of the snow?

I'm getting sick of waiting in a bush with my trousers round my ankles, only to find the buggers not open.

[Raistlin]

I went to the doctor because I have an uncontrollable urge to talk about other people's business.

I was diagnosed with being a woman.

[Raistlin]

New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan says he is already preparing for the 2014 world cup.

He has bought himself a new TV.

[Raistlin]

The wife got me a donkey jacket yesterday.

It made a nice change from tuna and mayo.

[Raistlin]

My son's school is closed today because "the playground is like an ice rink"

So we're off to the ice rink this afternoon.

[Raistlin]

Mum says: Alcohol is your enemy.

Jesus says: Love your enemy.

Case Closed.

[Raistlin]

A boss says to his new blonde assistant, "If I give you five million pounds and subtract 10%,how much do you take off?"

"Everything,including my knickers" says the blonde.

[Raistlin]

Even though we've been married 14 years, I still look at my wife the same as I did on my wedding day.

With regret.

[Raistlin]

As soon as we finished I felt a rush of guilt and shame.

"No-one must ever know about this," I said.

"But why Daddy?" He asked innocently, "It was fun."

I gripped him by his shoulders, "A lot of people wouldn't understand and they'd call Daddy very bad names! You must promise never to tell!"

"OK Daddy," he said, as tears welled up in his eyes, "I promise. You're hurting me Daddy."

"Good boy," I replied, letting him go. "When you get a bit older you'll realise that there are certain things that dads and little boys shouldn't do together..

And making cupcakes while Mummy is at work is certainly one of them."

[Raistlin]

I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.

I've been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven't noticed any improvement.

[Raistlin]

As my girlfriend started to whine, I gently patted her back, "That's right. Let it all out."

But it doesn't matter how much air you remove, you can never get your blow-up doll back in the box.

[Raistlin]

I went up to a homeless man as I came out of a pub last night and said, "What would you say if I asked you to come back to my house for a few drinks and a 3 course meal in front of the fireplace?"

"I'd say yes," he replied.

"Exactly," I said, shaking my head and walking away, "What the hell is wrong with women these days?"

[Raistlin]

Whenever my wife says, "We need to talk"

I never seem to get much of a chance.

[Raistlin]

HMV have announced that they will be accepting gift vouchers, unlike my ungrateful bitch of a wife on Christmas morning.

[Raistlin]

My wife always goes on about how she likes to be the centre of attention...

She soon changed her tune when I threw a surprise bukkake party for her.

[Raistlin]

Guess what ladies, today at work I went into the men's toilets to take a dump and had to put the seat down.

And nobody died....

[Raistlin]

I walked into the chemist's today.

"Excuse me" I said to the girl behind the counter. "Do you have any Tena pads? The wife's sent me for some."

"Of course we do sir." She replied. "A big box?"

"Yes." I told her.

"Massive, actually."

[Raistlin]

On April 24 2012 John Terry was sent off at the Nou Camp.

Nine months later, Shakira's son is born.

[Raistlin]

A six year old girl has gone missing in my neighbourhood, and now there's a local search party to help find him.

I'm going to join in.

After all, finders keepers...

[s m smith]

My girlfriend said we can do anything you want after s*x.... So I phoned her a cab

[s m smith]

I was quite chuffed when this hot bird threw a wink in my direction at the pub last night

Turns out she was having a stroke.

[Raistlin]

I phoned my boss today and told him that I wouldn't be coming in because of the snow.

He said, "You only live two minutes away, don't you?"

"Yeah," I replied.

"Well are you having a laugh?"

"Yeah," I said. "I've built a big snowman and everything."

[s m smith]

My grandfather's always telling people he's 'in touch with his inner self'.

He carries out his own prostate examinations

[s m smith]

I'm not saying my wife's a fat !Removed!..

But when I first met her, I thought I'd pulled twins.

[Raistlin]

I've been dating this girl but she can only speak a few words in English.

On the plus side, Geordie girls are complete sluts.