Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Imagine my embarrassment when i added 'tv enthusiast' to my online dating profile only to find out it has a second meaning.

I sat through a whole movie with this girl that didn't even have a penis!

[Raistlin]

My mate just said, "If you were going to finger Susan Boyle, which one would you use?"..

I said, "Yours."

[Raistlin]

When I see a car accident, I'm never sure where to look.

Do I have a look at what's happened, or just wait until my wife has finished trying to park?

[Raistlin]

Will it never end.

It has been reported that BBC's Andrew Marr had a stroke.

No news yet as to how old the victim is.

[Raistlin]

My friend recently committed suicide by leaving his car running in the garage.

Unfortunately it was an electric car, and it took him 9 days to dehydrate to death.

[Raistlin]

65 London police stations are to close and officers are to work in post offices and supermarkets...

Very handy if you've just been raped and need a pint of milk!

[Raistlin]

I rang the RSPCA yesterday and said, "I have just found my dog lying down in a puddle of blood in my back garden."

"That's awful." she said. "Is it moving?"

"Quite emotional, yes."

[Raistlin]

I have been in an abusive relationship for almost 4 years now. Posessive, controlling, full of manipualtion, emotional distress, and even some physical violence.

but it's for her own good.

[Raistlin]

So John McCririck is suing Channel 4 because he was replaced by the younger Clare Balding.

Could have been worse John.

You could have been replaced by a woman.

[Raistlin]

As my fat girlfriend stormed down the stairs she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm never coming back, I'll never hear from you or see you ever again."

I replied, "It's likely you will, I work at Pizza Hut."

[Raistlin]

The wife caught sight of her massive gut in the bathroom mirror earlier and was horrified.

"Oh my god, look at the size of me, I'm getting huge." She moaned. "I can't bear to see this big belly in the mirror any longer, I'm going to have to get rid of it."

Which has made having a shave a bit more difficult for me.

[Raistlin]

As I was walking into my wardrobe my Dad shouted "where do you think your going?"

"Narnia business" I replied.

[Raistlin]

You know when you're trying to establish eye contact with a really fit bird in a nightclub, only to have her pug ugly friend turn round and smile?

That's how I met my wife.

[Raistlin]

My wife nagged me to take her to golf last week, I did but never again!

It took her four attempts every time to get the ball moving, she managed to hit other golfers playing on both sides of us and when we were leaving she then managed to reverse the golf trolley into the club shop, killing two people and injuring 6.

I couldn't work out how she could be so bad at something so easy. Then I figured it out.

It was a driving range...

[Raistlin]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!."

[Raistlin]

I went to school and I was taught that:

Pussy meant a cat,

Sex meant a gender,

Bitch is a female dog,

Dick was a name,

Rubber was an eraser,

Head meant a part of the body and 69 was just a number,

Then I came across all you dirty bastards and my education was ruined.

[Raistlin]

Thunderbirds creator Gerry Anderson's funeral is being held today.

Lets hope it's a Fab 1.

[Raistlin]

"It's so pathetic I have to fake my orgasm with my husband to make him feel more comfortable as a man. Why do men have to have such fragile egos?"...

Asked the woman in 3 inch heels with the fake tits, bright red hair and too much makeup.

[Raistlin]

Liverpool fans make excuses ahead of playing Manchester United saying, "We'll lose, Howard Webb is referee."

You'd lose if Kenny Dalglish was referee.

[Raistlin]

I missed that diving competition show last night. Luckily there's a repeat being shown on Sky Sports today.

I think Luis Suarez or Ashley Young will win it.

[Raistlin]

People aren't giving enough recognition to the police for the sterling humour that they've displayed throughout the Jimmy Savile saga, calling their investigation Operation Yewtree.

What was that theme tune again? "Jim'll Fix It for Yew, and Yew and Yew and Yew."

[Raistlin]

Hard to believe that another woman has been gang raped on a public bus in India.

Surely at least one of the other 674 passengers could have prevented it?

[Raistlin]

If money can't buy you happiness, then you're in the wrong pub.

[Raistlin]

A young lad was kicking his ball against my fence.

I walked out and said, "It's lads like you that end up on crimewatch.''

''Yeah, right!'' he laughed, kicking even harder.

He realised I was right half an hour later, lying in a ditch as I poured petrol over his broken body.

[Raistlin]

Even the Irish have been affected by the Jimmy Savile atrocities.

In fact I saw an Irish copper arresting a group of paedos just last night.

He said 'Yewtree, get in the fockin van'..