Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Mark Knopfler and Cliff Richard?

One's in Dire Straits. The other's in deep poo.

[Raistlin]

There will be a bit of a delay with the release of the 2015 Cliff Richard calendar next year.

It's gonna take ages to photoshop out the bars from all the photos.

[Raistlin]

Good to see the police are on the ball with the Cliff Richard case: searching premises one hundred and fifty miles from where the incident took place thirty years ago.

Watch out, Sherlock Holmes, you've got stiff competition!

[Raistlin]

The papers are full of celebrities either killing themselves or being involved in ancient sex offences.

Thank god there are no wars or serious outbreaks of diseases they need to report on.

[Raistlin]

Just got a new chain for my bike.

It's only nine carat, but she should like it.

[Raistlin]

This morning, as I stood naked looking in the Mirror, I thought to myself:

"Any second now I'm gonna get chucked out of this newsagents."

[Raistlin]

Schizophrenia.

You don't have to deal with it by yourself

[Raistlin]

Louis Van Gaal:

From messiah to Moyes

[Bono Estente]

whats black and white and read all over?

a news paper

[Raistlin]

A few weeks back a mate told me he developed a rare condition which would make him perform any command given. Taken aback I asked "Bugger me mate, are you serious?"

We don't talk anymore.

[Raistlin]

The Girl Guides are not happy with their new uniform.

I'm not either.

Those skirts are nowhere short enough....

[Raistlin]

Police are investigating after a bin bag full of cats' heads was found near Manchester's Curry Mile.

In other news, local restaurants have a special on; Kitten Tikka Masala.

[Raistlin]

A Cosmopolitan magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never masturbated.

Meanwhile, 29% of men masturbated just reading about the poll.

[Raistlin]

This nerd in Sheffield set a world record by solving a Rubik's cube in 43 seconds using only one hand.

Then he went home and celebrated, again using only one hand.

[Raistlin]

I've decided to sell my hoover, well it was just collecting dust

[Raistlin]

"We arrested Mr.Jones on suspicion of murder and have quizzed him." said the Police spokesman.

"And what was the conclusions drawn from quizzing him?" asked a reporter.

"He has no idea who Justin Bieber is, couldn't name the capital of Nepal and had no clue as to which company manufactured the Mondeo."

[Raistlin]

If you're going to diagnose yourself with OCD, how many times do you have to do that to be sure?

[Raistlin]

So the price of a rail ticket is going up. I was hoping the price increase was going to be more than 3.5%.

After all if you don't charge me more I'll just waste all my money on unessential things like heating and food

[Raistlin]

When asked what it was like getting over a Viagra addiction my buddy said, "Well my first few days were the hardest."

[Raistlin]

Last year the police received around one million calls regarding domestic abuse which means potentially 1 in 30 women are being abused.

This is a terrifying statistic as it means potentially 29 in 30 women don't know their place.

[Raistlin]

The terrorist who beheaded journalist James Foley has been 'identified' by American intelligence as leader of a group who's job is to take care of captive hostages.

Typical. Hear a British accent and the first thing the Yanks think...

Butler.

[Raistlin]

My wife has a heaving bosom.

Every time she takes her bra off, I feel sick.

[Raistlin]

Things were going well with my new American girlfriend who runs the local Donkey Sanctuary, until she suggested I "Screw her Ass" to spice up our sex life..

Long story short, She's absolutely fuming and Animal Welfare are pressing charges....

[Raistlin]

I found an untitled CD on the ground on my way home from work so I took it back to see what was on it.

At a first listen, it sounded like painfully annoying polyphonic ringtones from a Nokia 3210 mobile phone.

Turned out to be Calvin Harris's greatest hits.

[Raistlin]

What are the most dreaded words a man can hear from his wife?

"Well ,aren't you going to ask me how my day was?"