Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Anyone seen that Ariel advert where the man leaves his newly made stain on his white t-shirt until the next time he does the laundry?

It's unbelievable!

Why would a man be doing laundry?

[Raistlin]

I'm taking my wife out today...

Would you recommend the baseball bat or, the hammer?

[Raistlin]

I saw a crazy sex tape last night of two trees going at it

That's what you get for watching paper-view...

[Raistlin]

I wrote the following on a Kleenex .....

Aliens landed on my lawn,

I've got a 10 inch tool,

Lenny Henry really cracks me up,

Maddie lives in my garden shed ....

It was a tissue of lies.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend is a serious optimist.

I asked her what her blood type was and she said "Be Positive"

[Raistlin]

I would learn to play guitar.

But there are too many strings attached.

[Raistlin]

My wife said she wanted some quiet time,

So I went round the house muffling all the clocks...

[Raistlin]

The iPhone

Making porn easier to watch in a full house since 2007.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the Polish suicide bomber ?

He walked into a crowded disco with a bag full of explosives, and then he slit his wrists.

[Raistlin]

The credit crunch has finally started to affect me.

So I've stopped using hookers and started having sex with my wife instead

[Raistlin]

My mates wife went out for a pint of milk 3 weeks ago and hasn't been back since.

I asked him how he was coping.

"Not bad" he said "I've been using the powdered stuff".

[Raistlin]

I've got a mate whose nickname is "Shagger"...

...You might think that's a really cool name, but she doesn't like it.

[Raistlin]

I consider myself a very modern man.

I have no problem buying tampons...

... but apparently they don't count as a "proper present".

[Raistlin]

A sad day for gingers everywhere, Bradley has died.

The ginger community was informed and Lindsay Lohan was devastated.

[Raistlin]

I've just been informed by Claims Direct that following through after 15 pints of beer is not the kind of accident they deal with.

[Raistlin]

I got arrested for having noisy sex last night.

I said "Alright, I'll come quietly."

[Raistlin]

People think I'm weird because I swallowed an Abacus.

It's what's inside that counts.

[Raistlin]

I went into Comet and said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."

The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

[Raistlin]

Sometimes when my internet is down, I forget that the rest of my computer still works.

[Raistlin]

Dilemma.

Do I wash dishes or do I attempt to eat Cornflakes from a cup with a knife?

[Raistlin]

The local bakery has just been robbed by several staff members.

It appears that they kneaded the dough...

[Raistlin]

Well done British gold medallist Amy WIlliams.

I hear her success is due to coaching from David Beckham, as he's been riding a skeleton for years.

[Raistlin]

I walked into the video shop the other day and asked the guy if I could rent Batman Forever

He told me I had to bring it back within 2 days

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about that new emo pizza ?

It cuts itself.

[Raistlin]

In supermarkets I like to stand by the tampons and sanitary towels.

Giving the women a knowing "I know where those are going" nod and smile.