Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

When it comes to relationships, I tend to put my foot in my mouth.

I have a fetish and no girlfriend.

[Raistlin]

Don't you miss the days when an unattended bag was a good thing

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend broke up with me because I proposed to her.

Although admittedly, I proposed we have a three way with our dog.

[Raistlin]

I can't wait for my imminent windfall.

I just had an offer via email from a rich Nigerian man who wants to put a £1million in my bank account for a week and then £200k of it will be mine.

I've also given my parents account numbers and stole my neighbours post and give him theirs too.

We're all gonna live like kings.

[Raistlin]

Women:

The best thing to happen to a man's ***** since the invention of the hand

[Raistlin]

Just got out of prison after being covicted of raping three minors.

I thought I had a good defense: it was dark and I thought they liked it.

Obviously not.

"Do you regret it?" the judge asked.

"The only thing I regret is not washing the coal off before the police arrested me."

[Raistlin]

SKY NEWS: Singing 'rewires' damaged brain

Nice theory and all but how do you explain Amy Winehouse then?

[Raistlin]

There can be some advantages to employing dyslexic staff, as I found out the day after I sent an email to my secretary telling her to sack my cook.

[Raistlin]

I've had a real run of luck recently that I just can't explain.

It started last week when I won the lottery.

Ever since then I've had no end of girls wanting to sleep with me.

[Raistlin]

Just heard about that woman having a sexual relationship with a teenage boy through Playstation Home.

I knew I shouldn't have bought the Xbox.

[Raistlin]

After years of painstaking research I've finally worked out why so many people in this country describe themselves as 'racist'.

It's because they can't spell xenophobic.

[Raistlin]

I phoned up Confused.com and told them that I'm not sure if I'm gay.

[Raistlin]

Why do bees stay in their hives during Winter ?

Swarm.

[Raistlin]

Ladies, I would definitely suggest joining the Mile High Club because you know what's good for when your ears pop?

Swallowing.

[Raistlin]

I've always wanted to know what it would be like and after begging her for years, last night, the wife finally agreed to a 69.

It was a big disappointment.

The plum sauce was too sweet and the duck just wasn't crispy enough.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a prostitute and a cigar?

The bigger the cigar, the more expensive it is.

[Raistlin]

I used to make Draughts and Chess boards.

I have a very chequered past.

[Raistlin]

I gave a pervert a dictionary.

He spent the rest of the day looking up skirts.

[Raistlin]

I just bought some new stumps for our cricket club, but on inspection I find they are covered in a protective layer of Sellotape.

We could be be batting on a sticky wicket.

[Raistlin]

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends.

During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

[Raistlin]

A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it.

Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes his mouth water.

Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily eyeing the cat food on his side.

his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily

eyeing the cat food on his side.

The two look at each other and wonder what to do, The rooster says, "I know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the other side."

The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"

The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as high as he can.

He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the bag and starts devouring the chicken feed.

The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and makes a run for it.

He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river.

The Moral of the Story:

For every satisfied *****, there's a wet pussy!

[Raistlin]

You can't make Leeds without

2 E's and LSD

[Raistlin]

I just moved in with my girlfriend and I decided to throw out all my porn magazines because I don't need them any more.

She's got a really fast internet connection.

[Raistlin]

The new Remembrance MJ Mac by McDonalds

50 year old uncured burger in 10 year old buns

I'm loving it...

[Raistlin]

A drunk girl accused me of being a "Prehistoric dinosaur"

So I Raptor