Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

My door-bell went this morning.

That's the third time this week it's been nicked.

The 6th, actually, coz you posted it twice :lol2:

RingRing

[Raistlin]

My wife keeps finding used tissues in the bin.

I need to think of a new excuse.

She's not buying the "I've got a cold" one anymore.

[Raistlin]

I teach kids about the dangers of sexual predators on the internet.

The hard way.

[Raistlin]

I came all over a gorgeous naked glamour model today.

I was so embarrassed...

I'd only just finished when my mate asked for his magazine back.

[Raistlin]

I've just got divorced and my ex-wife said she wanted half the house.

I said, because I will always love her, she can take anything she wants...

She took all the floor boards.

But she said that she still loves me too.

I hate not knowing where I stand...

[Raistlin]

Bomb disposal:

Making metal-detecting less of a past-time and more of an adrenalin sport.

[Raistlin]

In a fight between me and a hedgehog I think it would be close,

but he'd win on points.

[Raistlin]

Cheryl Cole is young, free and single, and she's soon to be hitting the bars and clubs again.

Which is great news for young, eligible bachelors and very bad news for black toilet attendants.

[Raistlin]

You call it premature ejaculation.

I call it hands free

[Raistlin]

The kids in my area call it the 'School Run' for a very good reason.

I just got some new trainers.

[Raistlin]

The people in my neighborhood must need insulin for their Internet connections.

It's because they all have Dire BT's

[Raistlin]

What's another word for Thesaurus?

[Raistlin]

I named my son Matt Damon.

He's my first Bourne.

[Raistlin]

Cheryl Cole sent Ashley Cole a text message to tell him their marriage was over.

I'd fax her...

[Raistlin]

My wife was talking to her pregnant friend.

She said, " I never found it hard during pregnancy."

I chipped in with.

" You wouldn't, I've never been turned on by fat chicks."

[Raistlin]

I was going to write a joke about obese people with an inactive thyroid

but I don't want to jump on the glandwagon.

[Raistlin]

Ferrari"s Formula 1 team manager decided to employ some Liverpudlian teenagers as their pit crew.

This was because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly.

At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged & sold the ******* to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed & some pictures of David Coulthard"s bird getting shagged up the *****.

[Raistlin]

I lured in the little neighbourhood girl by telling her that at the back of my closet there was a magical world with lots of adverntures and an epic struggle between good and evil, and where every moment feels like a life time, just like in that movie.

Unfortunately for her she thought I was referring to Narnia but the movie I meant was the "Hurt Locker".

[Raistlin]

A guy goes to a library and asks a librarian for a book on engine oils.

The librarian says there is one or two in the Non-Friction section.

[Raistlin]

Dear Beyoncé,

Enclosed is a picture of my *****,

If you like it how about you put a ring on it.

[Raistlin]

I went on the URL and typed erectile disfunction.

I couldn't get it up.

[Raistlin]

I keep all my inappropriate pictures of children properly categorised, in one place, and all in plastic wallets.

I call it my paedo file.

[Raistlin]

I flashed at some schoolgirls in the woods today.

Then on the way home I flashed again at a lady waiting for a bus.

Then I was chased out of the library for flashing at a woman behind the shelves.

I love my new torch.

[Raistlin]

I see that Port Au Prince has been renamed 'City of Warehouses'.

It's because there are thousands of people wandering around asking; "Where's my house? Where's my house?"

[Raistlin]

Me and my girlfriend had been dating for over a year, so the day came round when we decided to get married.

My parents were very helpful and gave all the funds we needed.

My girlfriend was a dream come true, but there was one problem , this was her younger sister.

My soon to be sister in law , was 20, wore tight miniskirts, low cut tops and would always bend down near me so I could always see her underwear.

She had to be doing it on purpose.

She never did it to anyone else.

One day the little sister calls me and asks to go to their house to check the wedding invites, when I arrived she was alone.

She came up to my ear and whispered that she had feelings for me and she didn't want to overcome them.

She carried on explaining how she wanted to make love to me and said she wanted us to make love before I got married and committed to her sister.

I was in shock and couldn't believe what she had just said, she said' I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want to come up and get me.'

I was gob smacked as she walked up the stairs pulled down her thong and tossed it down to me.

I stood there for one moment and sprinted for the door, as I opened the door her whole family were there tears in there eyes, we are so happy that you passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter, welcome to the family.

.....................................................

The morale of the story:

Always keep your Durex in your car