Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist.

"What can I do for you?" He asked.

"Our son has got an imaginary friend," said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." Said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

[Raistlin]

The office Christmas party.

A great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour...

[Raistlin]

The Nelson Mandela memorial interpreter has been admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

That's not a good sign.

[Raistlin]

I always take a moment of quiet time around this time of year to think of those less fortunate than myself.

Cheers me right up.

[Raistlin]

I don't even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during Christmas.

One look at the wrap job, and it's VERY obvious.

[Raistlin]

Live at the Appollo for the next six months -

The insurance claim.

[Raistlin]

Whenever I ask my BFF to come to the toilet with me people give us the weirdest looks, but when girls do it nobody bats an eye...

[Raistlin]

Having trouble getting my new washing machine to work.

Its really heavy and won't fit though the turnstile at the tube station.

[Raistlin]

I had a load of economy jokes but they've obviously lost value now, ironically.

But on the plus side my terminally ill mother's house has increased in value.

[Raistlin]

I picked the phone up in a state of nervous expectation: "Oh my God Dave... the roof collapsed!!! (Sob, sniffle). I don't know how I wasn't killed. I'm at the hospital now, but I'm OK. I love you."

I wandered around in a state of utter shock and disbelief, I was going to have to cut the brake lines on the car after all.

[Raistlin]

Remember -

It's better to have loved and lost, than ended up married.

[Raistlin]

Malaysian businessman Tan was allegedly critical of Cardiff's Malky Mackay's signings, style of play, results and overall performance as a manager.

He is also believed to be unhappy at an overspend on players during the summer, with £15m more being spent than the originally slated budget of £35m.

He's going to be even more upset when he finds out Cardiff hasn't qualified for the world cup.

[Raistlin]

I'm pretty sure that if they took all the porn off the Internet there would only be one website left.

And it would be called "Bring Back Porn"

[Raistlin]

Apparently Simon Cowell is to spend Christmas Day with those less fortunate,

Or Sinnita as she's usually known

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the Michael J Fox diet?

A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, then a sensible dinner.

[Raistlin]

Two Rabbi's were talking, the first one says,

"It's 2013 this could be the year Christ returns. What presents and gifts should we get?"

"Presents?" Replied the second Rabbi, "It's only just over two thousand years since he had some."

[Raistlin]

The twenty fifth anniversary of the Lockerbie bombing has passed largly unnoticed in Scotland.

Mainly because they are still grieving the loss of a pub.

[Raistlin]

I've just been sacked from my job on hospital radio.

Apparently, playing "Do They Know it's Christmas" on repeat, is not appropriate behaviour for the Alzheimer's ward.

[Raistlin]

Here are tonight's classified football results:-

The Grim Reaper 1, David Coleman, nil.

[Raistlin]

I was compiling a list of all those famous faces who have died this year and it made some depressing reading: Peter O'Toole, Lou Reed, Nelson Mandela

You forgot Thatcher my wife pointed out,

Thats why I married her, always manages to see the bright side...

[Raistlin]

My phone just filmed a 3 hour documentary about life inside my pocket...

[Raistlin]

I was late home from the pub last night so I tried to sneak into the bedroom but my wife heard and turned on the light.

"What time do you call this?" She screamed, "And who is this naked man climbing into bed with me?"

"Hello darling," I replied, "This is Steve, probably the best poker player I've ever played against, and er...."

[Raistlin]

Christmas is a time of year when I like to take stock.

The shops are so busy, I always get away with it.

[Raistlin]

Firefighters are said to be struggling to control the blaze at Chessington World of Adventures.

You can't blame them.

They have to park their fire engines half a mile away in a field, water costs £5 a litre, there's a one hour queue to get to the front and £3 to exit the field afterwards.

[Raistlin]

The police have announced that they will not be probing Nigella Lawson over cocaine claims.

Although admitting that most officers had thought about it.