Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A blind man is in a pub and challenges the barman bring me any ball and will tell you were it is from,

So the barman brings him a ball and the blind man shakes it next to his ear he says its from Newcastle, I can hear the Magpies the barman is shocked but applauds him.

So then another man brings a ball, he shakes it to his ear again and says it from Norwich I can hear the Canaries, again he is correct.

A final man gives him a ball and the blind man shakes it at his ear and says it's from Sheffield Wednesday,

The final man says why can you hear the Owls ?

The blind man replies "No its going down "...

[Raistlin]

Whilst waiting for my kid outside the school today,

I had a slight problem,

I just didn't know which one to choose...

[Raistlin]

Special Sale at IKEA :

Lesbian beds - No screwing involved.

It's all tongue in groove...

[Raistlin]

Three prostitutes are sitting at the bar.

They are talking about their vaginal capacities.

Prostitute number one says 'I can get four fingers up mine.'

Prositute number two retorts 'That's nothing, I can get my whole fist up mine'

The third prostitute simply smiled as she slid down the barstool...

[Raistlin]

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones..."

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Peppa Pig withdrawn from Labour party election event

Presumably when Peppa found out she was to be launched from cannon, as the only way labour will win the election is when pigs fly...

[Raistlin]

MSN News: "New facial recognition system introduced in China"

Nope, I can't see that working either...

[Raistlin]

I trust my fiancee implicitly when she goes on a girlie night out,

She's really fat...

[Raistlin]

I suffer from Alzheimer's and deja vu at the same time,

I'm sure I've forgotton this before...

[Raistlin]

For my maths GCSE we were allowed calculators,

So I asked my Mum for a brand new Casio.

Not only did I fail, I was escorted from the exam hall halfway through my rendition of Beethovens Moonlight Sonata...

[Raistlin]

Are you not lasting very long ?

Is it frustrating you and your partner ?

Want help ?

Giving away FREE premature ejaculation pills,

First cum, first served...

[Raistlin]

Michael O'Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.

' That will be one Euro please , ' says the barman.

' That's a very fair price, ' replies O'Leary.

' Would you like a glass with that sir ? ' asks the barman.

[Raistlin]

To find a woman, you need time and money.

Therefore:

Woman= Time + Money

_____________________

"Time is money" so

Woman=Money x Money, or Money2 (Money squared)

Square root of Money= Money

Woman=Money

_____________________

"Money is the cause of all problems" therefore

Woman= The cause of all problems

[Raistlin]

Legend has it that thousands of years ago Fionn MacCumhaill built the Giants Causeway out of basalt columns caused by volcanic activity to get to Scotland for a battle with his nemisis Benandonner.

The lengths people will go to once their flight is cancelled...

[Raistlin]

I went round my nan's house this morning and I saw her come out of the shower stark naked,

That's an image I can't get out of my head,

Still should be good for a few wanks though...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: After years of intensive research scientists have discovered that there is in fact one advantage to being ginger,

You don't have to worry about identity theft...

[Raistlin]

Sky News: "A coroner has called for a change to battlefield rules and procedures after a friendly fire incident killed three British soldiers in Afghanistan."

Here's an idea, don't let the Americans join in the war...

[Raistlin]

I was watching the show "The Good Wife" and thought to myself,

If she is such a good wife what's she doing out of the kitchen...

[Raistlin]

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.

A few days later the doctor phones. "Paddy," he says "you've got sugar diabetes"

Paddy says "No problem, when do I fight him ?"

[Raistlin]

You know you're getting old when the barber spends more time trimming your nose and ear hair than your head...

[Raistlin]

I remember the first time my parents caught me masturbating.

I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed.

I was just so shocked that I dropped their wedding photo...

[Raistlin]

I've just come out of the 'Chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said, 'I've not eaten for two days'.

I told him, 'I wish I had your will power'...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend said "How do we move our relationship forward ?"

I replied "You could swallow"...

[Raistlin]

I went into my local newsagents and I saw that he had put up a big sign saying,

"NO READING IN THIS SHOP"

So I grabbed four bars of chocolate, took them to the counter and said, "Which of these is the Dairymilk ?"

[Raistlin]

A Priest books into a hotel and says to the receptionist. "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"

She says "No sir, its just regular porn, you sick bastard ".