Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

5p for a plastic carrier bag.

I wouldn't mind but I've seen them growing on trees and in hedgerows

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

[Raistlin]

Only 14% of Americans own a passport.

Which is great news for the rest of the world.

[Raistlin]

The step-brother of Becky Watts and his girlfriend's biggest mistake was googling 'How to hide a body'.

All they had to do was email the McCanns.

[Raistlin]

I was astonished when I heard that Sepp Blatter had appeared before the FIFA Ethics Committee.

FIFA has an Ethics Committee???

[Raistlin]

Dear Scotland,

We just wondered if you wouldn't mind feeding the dog and putting our bins out while we are away in France next summer.

Thanks,

The rest of the U.K

[Raistlin]

If a tree falls in the forest and it's not posted on Facebook, does it make a noise?

[Raistlin]

Jürgen Klopp, "I'll have people climbing all over each other to come and watch Liverpool..."

Too soon, Jürgen, too soon.

[Raistlin]

If a tree falls over in a forest, lands on my wife and there's no one to see it...

...can I still laugh?

[Raistlin]

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

[Raistlin]

My ex rang up to say said she'd missed the last bus home and wondered if could I pick her up.

"I doubt it" I said, "not unless you've lost a few stone since I last saw you

[Raistlin]

How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the bulb and one to provide suppressing fire.

[Raistlin]

My teenage son strolled in at elevenish last night:

"Get here, boy!" I said. "Let me smell your fingers."

"I don't smoke, dad. I've been over the park with my girlfriend," he protested.

"I know, son," I said, sniffing deeply. "I know..."

[Raistlin]

I asked my little boy if he wanted me to buy car insurance with Confused.com to get him a Brian toy or buy my car insurance from Compare the Market.com to get him a meerkat toy.

He told me to drive without insurance to get him a PlayStation 4.

[Raistlin]

Justin Bieber has vowed to sue anybody who shares pictures of his penis on the Internet.

I was shocked to read this.

Justin Bieber has a penis?

[Raistlin]

"Doctor, I have a problem, my wife demands sex non stop, is there anything you can give her ?"

"Yes, here's my telephone number."

[Raistlin]

If vampires can't see their reflections, how come their hair is always so neat?

[Raistlin]

What does a Korean need when they're taking their dog out?

Oven gloves.

[Raistlin]

Getting caught with homemade wine in Saudi Arabia adds a whole new meaning to "going on the lash"!

[Raistlin]

If stress burned calories I'd be a supermodel

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between sex and hide and seek?

Hide and seek I can count to ten before shouting, "I'm coming ready or not!"

[Raistlin]

I've invented a new sexual position. All you do is lie back to back with your partner leaving a gap, wait till they fall asleep and then quietly masturbate.

I call it "marriage."

[Raistlin]

The missing family from Bradford are believed to be heading to Syria.

Searching for a better life.

[Raistlin]

I've just seen a large 'men only' club at a retail park in Newcastle.

I think I'll give 'Pets At Home' a try at the weekend.

[Raistlin]

The wife wasn't too happy when she got back from A&E with her bandaged eye.

I could have sworn she said she fancied an Eye Pad.