Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

[Raistlin]

Me and the wife have just been to the cinema to see that new film Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park we rushed in and caught the credits...

[Raistlin]

Despite being in a critical condition, Pauline Cefferkey doesn't have Ebola!

She is simply the first woman to catch 'Man Flu'!

[Raistlin]

Playboy is getting rid of all the nude pictures in their magazine.

Hugh Hefner said that this is mainly because people can go onto the internet and see any sort of sexual activity for free at the click of a mouse button.

Honestly I had no idea. I only go on the web for the articles.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: France rejects 'tampon tax' change

French MPs have voted against an amendment which would have cut VAT paid on sanitary products from 20% to 5.5%.

Campaigners subsequently threw in the towel

[Raistlin]

Looking around in disappointment, my girlfriend said:

"When you told me I'd never forget tonight, I was expecting a big ring."

"All in good time love," I said, reaching for the lube. "All in good time."

[Raistlin]

Christopher Lloyd says he can't wait to start filming 'Back to the future 4'.

The hold up seems to be waiting for Michael J Fox to sign the contract papers.

[Raistlin]

I was walking my dog in the park this morning when I heard a woman screaming hysterically, "He's going berserk, somebody help me."

"What do you want me to do?" I said rushing over.

"Are you a doctor?" she replied.

"No, I'm a vet." I said. "Keep an eye on him. I'll go to my car and get the tranquilizer gun."

"Is he going to be OK?" She asked.

"I don't know," I replied. "I've never used it on a child before."

[Raistlin]

A desperate mother was reduced to tears on Question Time last night when she told the tories how the tax credit cuts would affect her.

They promised to look at her case, they did, it was found to be full of vodka and duty free fags.

[Raistlin]

Don't know much about history...

Don't know much biology...

Don't know much about a science book...

Don't know much about the French I took...

But I still managed to get a job teaching at the local faith school.

[Raistlin]

A man put his charity bucket in my face.

He said, "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?"

I stopped and said, "Do you?"

"Do I?" he hesitated. "Of course I do."

I said, "Get the out my way, then, I want to buy my lunch."

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/other/charity/a-man-put-his-charity-bucket-in-my-face-he-1660314#ixzz3ovIPhOna

[Raistlin]

Good to see that the UK still has solidarity, as witnessed in the Rugby World Cup

One out, all out...

[Raistlin]

When I moved in with my girlfriend I asked her to show me how she folds her underwear.

That way, when I take it off and put them back in her drawer she'll be none the wiser

[Raistlin]

After coming home from work early yesterday, I saw a brand new pair of men's trainers at the bottom of the stairs. I quietly crept back out of the house in total disbelief.

The wife did listen when I told her what I wanted for my birthday

[Raistlin]

Tata Steel Industry

It was nice knowing you

[Raistlin]

Dear Steve:

Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Sincerely, Canada.

[Raistlin]

After 52 years of service at Newcastle Kath Cassidy the tea lady said,

"I will miss the thrill and excitement of it all, but Saturdays were usually boring. "

[Raistlin]

I was having a meal in a Chinese restaurant last night when suddenly some bloke burst in and started smashing all the dumplings with a hammer...

It was an act of wonton destruction.

[Raistlin]

People are celebrating the Back to the Future Day today.

I've been doing it everyday since I turned 18 with every conversation with my parents eventually circling back to questions like, 'Where do you see yourself in a few years?' and 'When are you planning on getting married?'

[Raistlin]

I went on a first date with a girl from Essex last night.

"Listen, I'm not going to be a one night stand and another notch on your bedpost, I'm looking for a relationship. If that's all your after then you might as well go now."

"Fair enough," she said.

[Raistlin]

I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

[Raistlin]

I bet there's one thing in 2015 the Michael J Fox of 1985 could never have predicted:

How much he would need those auto lacing runners.

[Raistlin]

Tony and Jane go to see a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor says, "So, you two are married, correct?"

"Correct," they reply.

"And you are having regular sex?" asks the counsellor.

"Absolutely," they reply.

"So," laughs the counsellor, "What is the problem?"

"Well, our partners don't really approve."

[Raistlin]

Reduce preparation time when making a Kale and Quinoa Salad by simply buying a bag of chips and getting the hell over yourself.

[Raistlin]

I was hiking through the woods last week when I was surprised by a bear.

I still have no idea how he knew it was my birthday.