Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Just saw a video of Michael J Fox testing out real self lacing shoes.

He must've been very excited about it, he could hardly sit still.

[Raistlin]

Khloe Kardashian has called off her divorce to Lamar Odom...

There aren't many blokes that can say a near death experience is the second worst thing that's happened to them.

[Raistlin]

There's a bloke in the gents toilets in this pub who must have drunk too much Guinness

He's just passed stout

[Raistlin]

BBC News "Within 24 hours, hackers had fleeced the bank accounts of Talk Talk customers"

Police say its the quickest ever case of Financial Fleecing.

Obviously the Police havent come across my ex wife during a divorce then.

[Raistlin]

I just listened to the Chief Constable of Scotland giving a speech on heroin.

I didn't understand a word he said.

[Raistlin]

I've been invited to my first Constipation Anonymous meeting next week.

Unfortunately there's no way I can go

[Raistlin]

Thank heavens I got all of those free minutes with my new talk talk contract.

I'm going to need them to contact the banks and have my credit cards blocked

[Raistlin]

There's an extra hour in bed tomorrow.

I bet people sleeping on the streets can hardly wait.

[Raistlin]

Bacon and sausages cause cancer.

Yeah, but lentils and rice cakes cause depression, anxiety, anger and violence.

[Raistlin]

In Indonesia, 17 people were killed by a fire that swept through a Karaoke bar.

At first they were afraid...

[Raistlin]

Saw a great deal in Canada. If you pay for a whale watching trip,

You get to feed the sharks for free.

[Raistlin]

So smoking will kill you...

Bacon will kill you...

but smoking bacon will cure it.

[Raistlin]

My daughter came running in and said, "Daddy, I've just seen two fairies at the bottom of the garden."

Humouring her I said, "Really, what were they doing?"

She said, "Sucking each other's cocks"

[Raistlin]

My colleague can no longer attend next week's seminar on innuendo.

Now I have to fill her slot.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend asked me earlier when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her, I said:

"Back in 08."

It sounds much better than 'August'.

[Raistlin]

Ladies call me 'Amazon Prime'.

Because I'm cheap, and I come a lot sooner than expected.

[Raistlin]

Bono was interviewed by journalist on motivation

"What makes you tick?" she asked

"I didn't have a very good education" he replied

[Raistlin]

"Give me a T"

"T"

"Give me a T"

"T"

"Oh, sod it. I'll go to another cafe".

[Raistlin]

It's winter.

The Met police have scaled down their operation in the hunt for Madeleine McCann

Until further evidences emerges next April

[Raistlin]

I tried my first Irish cream after church today.

Or at least, that's what Father O' Brien calls it.

[Raistlin]

After my first five sessions of therapy, my shrink said he thinks I'll only need five more sessions and I'll be cured of my random impulses to shout out lyrics from Bon Jovi songs.

Woah! We're halfway there...

[Raistlin]

There are fears of riots and violence over a smoking ban in prisons, with the Government saying the idea is to protect the health of inmates and staff.

The issue could be easily resolved by erecting designated smoking huts just outside the prison premises.

[Raistlin]

I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier.

She's not dead - she thinks I'm digging a pond

[Raistlin]

The strangest thing happened to me last night...

I put my dinner in the oven as normal, and I must have left it for about 20 minutes before going back to check on it.

To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing had gone. Tray, food, everything - not a trace.

Last time I buy McCann's Oven Chips...

[Raistlin]

I tried to steal Halloween pillows from the supermarket.

It had grim reaper cushions.