Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I'm not saying my racist uncle is a moron, but he thinks Tim Peake shouldn't be allowed back in Britain because he left to join the ISS.

[Raistlin]

Everyone picks their nose at some point.

It's what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.

[Raistlin]

A charity bag come through my letterbox last week from the PDSA.......

It took me bloody ages to find some puppies & kittens to fill it up with

[Raistlin]

London Waterloo was Britain's busiest railway station with more than 99.2 million entries and exits in the last year.

Network Rail has apologised, saying "We are investing millions of pounds on wet leaves and the wrong kind of snow and hope to significantly reduce the number of passengers in the coming year."

[Raistlin]

A warning of a possible attack by Aston Villa strikers this weekend in Newcastle is being treated by authorities as a hoax

[Raistlin]

My favourite thing to do at the library is to leave browser tabs open with search results for "best way to clean semen off a keyboard?"

[Raistlin]

After getting sacked from Chelsea, Jose Mourinho has said he's going to see if he can find a good physiotherapist.

[Raistlin]

An Indian technician has been sucked into a plane's engine at Mumbai Airport, killing him instantly.

His family are praising Vishnu that it wasn't a Ryan Air plane, or they might have charged him a boarding fee.

[Raistlin]

The headline in the newspaper this morning said, 'Paedophile Hall free.'

I might try to book it for a Christmas party then.

[Raistlin]

We have a sensory deprivation chamber built into our house.

Although the wife prefers to call it a bedroom .

[Raistlin]

We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.

It runs in our jeans

[Raistlin]

What the hell is Gluten and why is it coming free with everything?

[Raistlin]

I spent a week in a queue waiting to see Star Wars.

That counts as sleeping with someone, right?

[Raistlin]

According to physicists, time stops at the event horizon of a black hole.

It also stops when you're with your wife shopping.

[Raistlin]

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

I leaned over, touched my wife's arm gently and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"

[Raistlin]

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air!

But then I think, how would I catch them?

[Raistlin]

She stood outside the door her suitcase down by her side, as I pleaded with her one last time...

"Don't leave me , darling! Don't throw away all those years we've shared together"

"It's too late!" she replied, "you've insulted me for the last time"

And with that. she turned. picked up her suitcases, and wobbled out of my life forever.

[Raistlin]

Jimmy Hill got the maximum wage for footballers abolished and we've all seen how they've benefitted since

Ker-Chin

[Raistlin]

According to rumours, back in the 1980s actor Sean Penn once used a baseball bat on his then-wife Madonna.

Bet it didn't touch the sides.

[Raistlin]

Jimmy Hill always knew what he was talking about. No other bugger did though.

[Raistlin]

Everyone seems to be worried these days about their carbon footprint.

Simple answer don't buy carbon shoes.

[Raistlin]

Preston Police have named a man that attempted to blow up a shopping centre with an asthma inhaler and matches on Thursday,

Bin Wheezin is believed to have acted alone.

[Raistlin]

I was talking to a specialist in pet doors.

"How do you make a cat flap?" I asked him.

"Throw it out of a window." he replied.

[Raistlin]

Somebody dropped off a box of Celebrations for the lads at work....

Or if you start 2 hours later then everyone, a box of bounty's

[Raistlin]

I was a bit disappointed when I went to a Dr Who convention in Madrid earlier.

The people were really pleasant, but I never did get that 'bonus tardis' they mentioned.