Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

In honour of Leicester City, I've decided that for christmas dinner this year my five year old son gets to carve the turkey and sit at the top of the table.

[Raistlin]

I decided to confide in my wife that I kept hearing voices coming from our electrical appliances.

"Yeah, I know: the TV and radio," she replied sarcastically.

"I told you she wouldn't believe you," said the kettle.

[Raistlin]

My mum always told me to put on clean underwear, "in case I was involved in an accident."

Pointless advice really: by the time the car finished rolling, I'd shat myself.

[Raistlin]

'Warning - May contain nuts'

Practical advice on a packet of peanuts.

Toilet humour when wrote on men's underwear.

And apparently, it's just plain offensive when wrote on the door of a psych ward.

[Raistlin]

If your gift looks like it was wrapped by a blind T-Rex, it was from me.

[Raistlin]

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse"

Oh God I'm lonely.

[Raistlin]

The wife and I are absolutely knackered today, after the pervert neighbours next door kept us awake with one of their noisy seven-hour sex romps last night.

Wish we'd never agreed to film it for them.

[Raistlin]

Bloodylaterooms.com

Try booking up Bethlehem for tonight!

[Raistlin]

Yet another Christmas day spent pacing the floors at the A & E.

16 hours not knowing what's going on, out of my head on crack.

They told me there's a new doctor on his way.

Then I can finish my shift.

[Raistlin]

No disrespect intended, but I remember when a draw against, Bournemouth, Norwich or Stoke, would be a shock result for Manchester United.

Nowadays, it still is.

[Raistlin]

Janet Jackson has announced that she's had to interrupt her 'Unbreakable' Tour;

I bet she's feeling pretty stupid right now!

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Suffolk Tesco theft suspect dies in custody.

Every little helps!!

[Raistlin]

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini's marriage is on the rocks, and an 'insurmountable language barrier' is said to be the problem.

Surely it can't be too late for Cheryl to learn English?

[Raistlin]

Not seen Giggs this anxious .. since his brother came home 10 minutes early

[Raistlin]

A man working at a mattress factory has fallen fifty feet into a pile of feathers and foam.

Doctors have described his condition as comfortable.

[Raistlin]

It's a year today since my grandad passed.

I remember thinking, what a strange age to be taking driving lessons

[Raistlin]

When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door and run away before they answered.

Nowadays, it's known as "Parcelforce"

[Raistlin]

I shut the door behind me,dropped my trousers and said, "Right,gimme some sugar."

..and got kicked off The Apprentice immediately

[Raistlin]

BBC News: German Man Dies After Blowing Up Condom Machine.

He should've worn protection.

[Raistlin]

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

[Raistlin]

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Lemmy

Lemmy who?

Don't be a git Satan

[Raistlin]

My new diet is going brilliantly, I haven't eaten all year....

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Fire engulfs Dubai hotel.

I thought Burns Night was a Scottish tradition.

[Raistlin]

Hospital staff who took care of Ebola victims are to be recognised in the New Year's honours list.

"If you don't mind, though," said the Queen, "we'll just post it to you."

[Raistlin]

My New Years Resolution - to have more sex.

Haven't told my cellmate yet though.