Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

So a feminist asked me on how I viewed lesbians.

Apparently "In HD" wasn't the right answer.

[Raistlin]

Labour MP Simon Danczuk has explained how it was all a terrible mistake sending texts to a 17 year old girl begging for a chance to spank her.

He thought he was texting a 17 year old boy

[Raistlin]

Tory MP Maria Miller calls for gender-neutral driving licences.

I'm not sure she's thought this through.

God only knows what'll happen if the Police stop someone and ask them to reverse park without knowing.

[Raistlin]

Just seen Katie Price in panto.

Never again, every time the crowd shouted "He's behind you, " she bent over and spread her legs.

[Raistlin]

Going on a supermarket diet to lose weight.

Gonna start shopping at Waitrose to see how many pounds I can lose

[Raistlin]

"What's a misogynist?" asked this girl at work.

"How the should I know? Buy a dictionary, you thick bitch," I replied.

[Raistlin]

I went to see a sick friend in hospital earlier...

I found him in the morgue masturbating.

[Raistlin]

We have a 99 year old man in our darts team so as a surprise we are going to fulfil his wish of spending his centenary birthday in the Caribbean.

He's going to be 100 in Haiti.

[Raistlin]

I see the new Jihadi John used to sell bouncy castles...

Well he does like to blow things up...

[Raistlin]

I said to my mate, "I saw a man get thrown under a bus today!"

He said, "Oh my God, was it moving?"

I said, "Well a few on-lookers were crying but I was fine."

[Raistlin]

The wife's said she's had enough of all my Star Wars "bullshit" and is ready for calling it a day on our marriage.

Divorce is strong in this one.

[Raistlin]

The woman opposite called me a pervert earlier.

I don't know why.

Kowing she likes bird watching I asked her if she'd like to come over and have a look at my twelve Finches

[Raistlin]

Breaking news. American scientists find cause of unusual North Korean seismic activity is NOT due to claimed hydrogen bomb test, but is in fact because Kim Jong-Un fell over.

[Raistlin]

My wife was crying because all the clothes in a plus size catalogue still wouldn't fit her.

"Don't let it get you down, " I said, "you're bigger than that. "

[Raistlin]

It was Sally from Accounts last day at work today so I told her I would let her suck me as a leaving present.

Turns out it was my last day at work as well.

[Raistlin]

Bad day today for the Scots.

Thousands of homes have been evacuated due to severe flood risk.

But far worse, new health guidelines limit alcohol intake to ten minutes drinking a week.

[Raistlin]

A man who walked into a Paris police station wearing a fake suicide vest has been shot dead

Although if he was shot for wearing it, I'm not sure why it's been described as "fake"

[Raistlin]

German police have said that they can cut down on rapes by making parts of their cities no-go areas for young women.

A better idea would be to make the cities no-go areas for violent immigrant rapists.

[Raistlin]

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Give a man a fishing rod and he'll eat for a lifetime.

Give a man a gun and he can get much better stuff than fish.

[Raistlin]

"I thought you were getting me an Aston Villa cake for my birthday?" I asked my wife

"I did, it's over there" she replied, pointing to the bottom end of the table.

[Raistlin]

I was arrested and tried after being accused of illegally administering Rohypnol to groups of people

I'm currently awaiting the verdict

The jury's still out

[Raistlin]

I've just treated my millionth patient since qualifying as a dental hygienist.

The practice I work at is going to remove a plaque in my honour.

[Raistlin]

As my wife was leaving with her last belongings, I was busy loading my dirty laundry into the washing machine.

"See, I'll be perfectly okay on my own. I don't need you, you bitch." I said proudly.

"That's the dishwasher" she replied.

[Raistlin]

I have such low self esteem even my imaginary girlfriend finished with me

[Raistlin]

The NHS have come up with a new way to help people with sleeping problems without the use of drugs...

As of tomorrow Manchester United match recordings will be available on Prescription!