Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I've a certain reputation with the maids in the hotel I'm staying in

They know me as "The Bed"

I keep getting turned down by them

[Raistlin]

Tesco ready meals.

A little taste of prison right in your own home.

[Raistlin]

My Daughters Cat died and she asked for another one just like it.

Why the hell does she want two dead cats

[Raistlin]

Gary Lineker is getting divorced again.

He'll be on Match.com of the Day later.

[Raistlin]

I just found out that my girlfriend from 6 years ago has married someone else.

Looks like it's over between us then.

[Raistlin]

The man who won £33 million on the UK lottery says he will celebrate by buying a nice pair of shoes...

Made from the hides of endangered baby rhinos

[Raistlin]

I have just read FHM's top grooming products of 2009.

Surely they got it wrong, Haribo were not even in the top 10.

[Raistlin]

I had to ring up the Walkers customer care line earlier as there was a crisp in my pack of ready salted air.

[Raistlin]

There's a special place in hull reserved for the inventor of autocorrect

[Raistlin]

It's so annoying seeing all these fake fans on Facebook posting about Alan Rickman's death.

I bet they can't even name one of his songs.

[Raistlin]

Celine Dion has confirmed her husband Rene Angelil has died from cancer.

Nice try Celine, but Bowie's number one this week.

[Raistlin]

David Bowie dies at 69

Alan Rickman dies at 69

Don't think I'll bother asking my girlfriend to come round tonight

[Raistlin]

Exactly how tall was the Nakatomi Plaza?

It's taken Hans Gruber 28 years to finally hit the bottom.

[Raistlin]

Why call yourself a lollipop lady if you're going to get all hysterical when someone licks you?

[Raistlin]

I'm not an alcoholic, I'm just a connoisseur of fine wines, spirits, lagers, aftershave, methylated spirits.........

[Raistlin]

BBC NEWS:

Cologne Attacks: Migrant Men Banned From German Swimming Pool.

Daily Mail:

Pool Manager's Wrath: "Body Sprays Don't Cut It, You Must Shower Before Getting In."

[Raistlin]

Just replaced my shoelaces with earphones.

Now they tie themselves.

[Raistlin]

When I was 15 and still at school, I always wanted to work in I.T: specifically working with installing SQL Servers on multiple servers.

I'm now 40, and am proud to say my dream has now come true: I've just got my first ever girlfriend.

[Raistlin]

I was at a job interview today, and the interviewer said, "It says on your CV that you are quick at mental arithmetic. What's seventeen times nineteen?"

I immediately said, "Thirty-six."

He said, "That's not even close."

I said, "But it was quick."

[Raistlin]

The doctor was examining my teenage daughter for breast cancer when we discovered a suspicious lump.

It was in his trousers.

[Raistlin]

A girl text me saying 'Your cute.'

I text her back saying 'No you're cute.'

Now she thinks I like her, all I did was point out her typo.

[Raistlin]

Tennis officials have today launched an investigation into accusations of corruption at the highest levels of the sport.

They should have started fucking years ago when Venus and Serena Williams were allowed to play in the women's association.

[Raistlin]

Turns out if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off from work.

[Raistlin]

Taylor Swift has 500 songs about guys dumping her and 0 about anal and blow-jobs.

See where I'm getting with this?

[Raistlin]

"Terrible night last night," I said to Dave at work today, "I was on the way home from the match when I got a call to say my wife had died in a terrible accident."

"Shit," he replied, "what happened?"

"We got knocked out 4-3 on penalties."