Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I've been secretly flashing at schoolgirls in Epping Forest.

They can't see the wood for the trees.

[Raistlin]

I've just phoned up Tesco's and asked if they do home deliveries.

"We do, sir," came the reply.

I said, "Great, you better be quick, Her waters have broken."

[Raistlin]

"Raiders target Cheryl's Coles ring"

....nuff said.

[Bizarra]

Now that Tiger has spoken, stay tuned for Ron Jeremy's apology for getting caught playing golf.

Won't ever happen

Ron jeremy has had more holes in one than Tiger ever will :lol2:

[Raistlin]

My mate just entered the 'Pun of the year' competition, he had to submit 10 of them in the hope one of them would win it...

... Unfortunatly No pun In ten did

[Raistlin]

I'm always amazed at the number of gay men who have entered into sham marriages in an attempt to conceal their sexuality.

If anything says you don't want to have sex with a woman, it's marrying her.

[Raistlin]

Harriet Harman has been included in the current expenses scandal.

Apparently she hired a cleaner to try and sweep it all under the carpet.

[Raistlin]

Normal drugs not doing for you?

Theres some smack for that.

[Raistlin]

I have my OCD entirely, wholly, fully, thoroughly, utterly, 100% perfectly under control.

It says so on my checklist.

[Raistlin]

I'm a heroine addict.

I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

[Raistlin]

I ordered a club sandwich today and I'm not even a member.

I don't know how I got away with it.

[Raistlin]

I couldn't find the oxo cubes anywhere in our local shop today.

They must have been out of stock.

[Raistlin]

Got ****** last night and somehow went back to this guy's place and we had sex.

I just wasn't thinking straight.

[Raistlin]

I only hate 3 types of people:

Hypocrites, Racists And Jews.

[Raistlin]

Don't be too harsh on my fat girlfriend.

She's still finding her feet.

[Raistlin]

I have to turn on porn in the background when I watch my little Pony.

Just in case I get caught with my hand in my pants, it'won't seem that weird.

[Raistlin]

The world record for holding your breath has been beaten and now stands at 19 minutes and 21 seconds.

The new record holder is Tiger Woods agent.

[Raistlin]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks,

'How much for a drink here?'

The barman replies,

'For you, no charge.'

[Raistlin]

Why is it that girls are allowed into Scouts but boys aren't allowed into Guides?

Wait, don't answer that.

[Raistlin]

My wife died in our bed last night.

So did her lover.

[Raistlin]

My house has a room full of mirrors.

Sometimes I go there to reflect.

[Raistlin]

Hi I'm a chav and breaking your windows was my idea.

[Raistlin]

Womens Curling.

Is there anything more satisfying than seeing a woman bent over sweeping for all she's worth?

[Raistlin]

This really fit bird came up to me last night and asked me to get her a drink.

I felt like I had a chance with this one.

Then I remembered I was the bar tender.

[Raistlin]

A short fortuneteller has escaped from prison.

A small medium at large.