Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

To the England fans complaining about their draw with Montenegro, at least you didn't have to spend 90 minutes watching Alan Hutton play stuck in the mud.

[Raistlin]

Bill Gates has offered $100,000 to anyone who invents a more attractive condom.

Who is going to buy a condom from a company called Microsoft?

[Raistlin]

Latest food shocker

14 year old girl meat found in dogs.

[Raistlin]

I bumped into my mate in the pub last night who was looking a bit glum, so I asked him what was up.

"Well, I can't afford anything anymore so I've had to cancel my golf and gym memberships, my Sky TV package and have to cut down on fags to 20 a week" he sighed.

"Because of the recession?" I asked.

"No" he replied. "I've been forced off benefits and been made to get a job."

[Raistlin]

Kissing the back of someone's neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it's a stranger in a queue in Primark.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend has this weird, sick, demented sexual fetish.


Cuddling.

[Raistlin]

Everyone lost an hour last night. Or if you saw 'The Voice', two and a half hours.

[Raistlin]

After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs.

If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me.

[Raistlin]

Following North Korea photoshopping propaganda pictures of America being attacked,

It appears the USA have joined in by releasing one portraying Kim Jong as a short ugly fat git.

[Raistlin]

The kids have been in the garden now for three hours looking for easter eggs ' give it a an hour or two and ill tell them I haven't put them out there yet.

[Raistlin]

I just went to Blockbusters to trade in my copy of Black Ops 2 and apparently I now own 2 stores in East London and 1 in Ipswich.

[Raistlin]

Just unwrapped an easter egg a mate bought me back from cyprus and half of it was missing.

[Raistlin]

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

That's why I'm no longer a gynaecologist...

[Raistlin]

Yesterday my mate phoned me and told me that "Tesco are giving away free petrol to the first 100 customers",

I rushed there quick and filled up with petrol, I was just about to drive off when the cashier came running out and said "you need to pay for your petrol" I told him what my mate had told me, He just started to laugh and said "your mate as played an April fuel's day joke on you"

[Raistlin]

Turns out cod or haddock might not be what it says on the packet ' its a load of pollocks.

[Raistlin]

A recent study has shown that 4 out of every 5 men admit to regularly watching pornography.

"This is a very worrying and very real reflection of modern times which poses many sociological questions." Said the pshychologist who conducted the survey.

Too right. Are 1 in 5 men just lying ? Or do 20% of men still not have a decent internet connection?

[Raistlin]

A police officer is claiming compensation from a garage owner, after injuring herself tripping over a kerb.

I hope the judge awards her £20 so she can get her flipping eyes tested.

[Raistlin]

A female police officer is claiming compensation after tripping over a kerb in an unlit area.

Someone should have told her that the long black thing with batteries in, which she was given when she joined the force, is actually a torch.

[Raistlin]

I like my women like I like my dried fruit.

Washed, stoned and ready to be eaten.

[Raistlin]

£50's worth of cheap vodka, down in one.

1 week in hospital, with 3 square meals a day, fit female nurses and all day television.

This saving money lark is easy.

[Raistlin]

Failed the psych evaluation test for a new job today.

Apparently 'Asphyxiation blue' isn't an appropriate answer when asked your favourite colour.

[Raistlin]

What's black and doesn't work?

Mick Philpott's smoke alarm.

[Raistlin]

Just won a fantastic prize in a Doctor Who competition.

Two tickets for the 1966 world cup final.

[Raistlin]

You didn't need to see that picture of his kids to know Mick Philpott was a Derby County fan.

They both do silly things when they have matches in the palm of their hand.

[Raistlin]

So my English teacher said like "If you can't give me an example of an informal interjection I will fail you".

And I was like "Whatever".