Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

In light of the Boston Marathon bombings, America has gone to its default setting of invading someone...

North Korea and Iran are said to be shitting themselves

[Raistlin]

So Cardiff City have been promoted.

I can't believe we're going to have 3 Welsh teams in the Premier League next season. Cardiff, Swansea and Gareth Bale.

[Raistlin]

Why have they pixelated one of the mourners faces at Thatchers funeral, is he SAS or undercover security?... no, wait, it's just Simon Weston.

[Raistlin]

Women wake up yawning and men with an erection.

Coincidence?

I think not...

[Raistlin]

If there's two things I love in life, it's wallpapering and sarcasm

[Raistlin]

Watching Margaret Thatcher's granddaughter reading a eulogy at the funeral brought a tear to my eye.

And my dick.

[Raistlin]

Thatcher's funeral only cost a million pound.

The rest is Tony Blair's appearance fee.

[Raistlin]

I'm watching Margaret Thatcher's funeral and I've now gone through an entire box of tissues.

Her granddaughter is something else.

[Raistlin]

I was stood watching Margaret Thatcher's funeral procession by the roadside. I had bags of rotting vegetables at my feet.

"What's going on here?" asked a policeman.

"Nothing" I replied. "I just want to pay my respects".

"So how do you explain these?" he continued, pointing towards my bags.

"I'm on my way home from shopping in Aldi".

[Raistlin]

Horrific reports are coming in following the large explosion at the fertilizer plant in Waco, Texas: streets covered with blood, large quantities of dismembered flesh and bone spreading out over a wide area...

Initial estimates are that up to one whole American has been killed in the blast...

[Raistlin]

The nation is once again divided following Maggie's funeral.

What's best - Pippa Middleton's arse or Amanda Thatcher's tits?

[Raistlin]

The FBI intercepted a package addressed to the president thought to contain ricin.

Turns out it was just a box of Uncle Ben's

[Raistlin]

Hillsborough justice campaigner Anne Williams dies at the age of 60.

Family and friends are said to be crushed.

[Raistlin]

With a lot of research, the UK immigration officers have come up with the most foolproof plan ever to ensure that the immigrants to the country are culturally, economically and educationally compatible. It ensures greater harmony, seamless integration and lasting peace in the country.

It's called "the bacon sandwich test".

[Raistlin]

Kate McCann has revealed that she's worried about the safety of her children while she runs the London Marathon this year.

Here's an idea, Kate - why not use a babysitter?

[Raistlin]

Rolf Harris has been accused of playing his didgeridoo in A-Minor.

[Raistlin]

"Can you guess what it is yet?" just took on a whole new meaning.

[Raistlin]

I had a drawing class with Rolf Harris when I was a child and i remember saying to him how well glitter stuck to the Pritt Stick he gave me to which he replied

"Can you tell that it's jizz yet?"

[Raistlin]

On Animal Hospital, I wondered why Rolf Harris looked so excited when he was told they'd be looking at a young beaver.

[Raistlin]

My Gran died after her second stroke.

I was so upset I couldn't finish myself off.

[Raistlin]

"Did you tie the dog up and put him in the kennel?" asked my wife, as I walked in the door.

I turned around and headed straight back to the canal.

[Raistlin]

So Rolf Harris has been arrested over sex abuse allegations in wake of the Jimmy Saville scandal.

Rolf strongly denies the allegations stating he released the Two Little Boys.

[Raistlin]

I always knew there was something dodgey about Rolf Harris, there had to be a reason he has to tie that kangaroo down.

[Raistlin]

I remember watching Rolf Harris rehearsing his Jake the Peg act.

Looking back, I thought that was a bit too short to be an extra leg.

[Raistlin]

The first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule, so we have an even number of rules.